Tuesday, August 22, 2006

ten ways to get to sleep faster

in all reality i have no reason to be the person writing this, as i couldn't get a wink in before 4:30 in the morning. but really that's what happens when i work til close in the retail industry and tardishly drink a can of vault at 9:30 at night and damn, did you know after about 2:00 everything on tv shifts to paid programming infomercials? seriously. it's fuckish. i'm minding my own business watching a conan repeat from january and then nbc has the gall to shove a timeshare pyramid scheme down my throat, and that's just highly uncool and therefore spurred this list:

10 ways to get asleepin' without counting sheep because seriously who does that

1. alcohol.
i'm telling you, couple shots of rum (with or without the pansy hot cocoa or whatever you want to mix it with if you haven't the gullet) will ease you right into sleepy time. if it doesn't do that much, it will hopefully at least make the experience of lying in bed not sleeping a bit fuzzier and happier. if this doesn't work, throw back another couple and call me in the morning. except for the part where you call me.

2. valerian.
sure it smells like ass, but this crap is cheap ($2-4 at any grocery store or drug store and while i'm on the subject, why does walgreens sell everything bug drugs now? seriously. there's an effing walgreens on every corner and i can by a tyco truck and jessica simpson 'dessert' products and a rubber canoe and probably even a digital camera, but they're always out of allergy medicine. what the hell is that about?) and, right, i was talking about valerian. it's basically crushed up and capsuled roots of some smelly plant that, if taken about half an hour before you need to not be awake anymore, should do the trick. if not, double up the dose and rinse with listerine, cause, again: stuff smells.

3. carbs.
people are under the supposition that turkeys are only for thanksgiving, but you know, there are so many more reasons to slaughter them. namely, bedtime. have yourself a turkey sandwich or two while conan's dancing around with max and pender, feel the tryptophan work its sleepy magic, and pass out on the couch. it may not be a bed, but this is about how to fall asleep, not where, so stop being so picky.

4. read something about finances.
or your mortgage, or your retirement plan. short on those? find literature about your insurance plan from work. no? load up the wallstreet journal online. for cripe's sake, go to the 7-11 and get a copy of forbes. just read something boring as criminy and do not allow yourself to look at the pictures. just keep reading from cover to cover and feel the slumber wrestle you into a chokehold. give in to the chokehold. give.

5. sex.
with whoever you share a bed with or with yourself, i don't care. but tell me that doesn't knock you right out. no? then you're obviously faking it and you need to try harder.

6. watch the infomercials.
that's right, you heard me. if your turkey sandwiches didn't put your lights out before conan is done, you're going to first suffer through last call with carson daly and if that still doesn't bitchslap you with a sudden case of the i need to not be awake nows, watch the infomercials for tile cleaner and money making opportunities and the chance to be your own boss and zzzzzzzzzzzz. if you find yourself actually interested, you should probably just shoot yourself and sleep forever.

7. ambien.
...if you're gonna puss out and actually go to a doctor for help when a bottle of jack would really do the trick and you don't have copays at liquor stores you dumbbutt, fine. but don't say i didn't warn you when you wake up on your kitchen floor covered in egg yolk and lucky charms. there's a reason those sciencey guys warn you that one of the side effects of this crap is binge eating, and it's my theory that they just want to see how well commercials about butterflies and lovely townhouses and running on pristine beaches can persuade the general public to poppping a pill that gives you the munchies without getting completely high to even compensate for it. in conclusion, do it only if you're out of steps 1, 2, 3 or 4. the end.

8. white noise.
i'm kind of in love with my white noise cd's; i go for the frog chirps and thunderstorms personally. if these things don’t lull you to sleep, they should at least clean out your bladder (hint: avoid 'babbling brook' series if you don't want to be up all night pissing) and/or they'll seriously annoy your bedmate, which is kind of satisfying.

9. lord of the rings.
try to watch an entire extended edition dvd. if you're not a fan, you'll find the quest of the preciousssss so effing tedious that sleep will suddenly probably hopefully rescue you from middle earth's reign of boredom. if not, proceed to step ten. if you are indeed a fan, even you can't last four hours, so shut up and go to bed.

10. more alcohol.
if none of these have worked, obviously you haven't drunken yourself into a stupor yet. but fear not, there is one last remedy i can give you:

two parts 99 apples
two parts cough syrup (preferably nyquil)
one part whatever alcohol you choose
one part fruit juice or whatever kind of mixer you have lying around, obviously, because this is really hardly a recipe

blend everything together, gulp down as slurpishly as you can, and wait to have some really frigging technicolor dreams about frogs in a rodeo.


Alena said...

better yet, drink the sleeptini as the Lord of the Rings drinking game! Double the sleepage!

Anonymous said...

You know, high quality ranting like yours is really sexy. Just sayin'.
I cracked up at the white noise bit about the babbling brooks, but if you just get a decent fan, that'll do the trick too.
And I'd caution you that it depends which TV station you're watching when it comes to infomercials, 'cause Comedy Central in the middle of the night is Girls Gone Wild and some other video 'series' that's a great deal like it, and it's, um, hard to sleep when watching that, no matter how much your sleep-deprived mind is screaming at you about the tackiness.

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