Sunday, August 13, 2006

the ten most uncalled for things on planet earth

now let me preface this by saying these are not major things that have made the list. you'll notice a distinct lack of terrorism, plagues (actual, not perceived), wars, cancer, cripplingly shitty music, etc. the reason? everybody knows those are lame. this is for the top ten things that fewer earth-dwelling folk actually realize totally suck and need to be eradicated. and so, without further ado, i bring you:

the top ten most unnecessary things on planet earth, or maybe just the usa because i haven't been out of the country in so long my worldview is probably narrow and dumb enough to make a run-on sentence instead of a succinct title for the inaugural list of this blog.

(these are in no particular order, because i'm not about to get all homeland security and color code this shit for you. )

1. asparagus.
there is no redeeming quality to this sludge. first of all, the name? it phonetically includes the word 'ass'. and if you really try hard enough, it ends with it too. ass squared. that should be your tip-off from the get go. secondly, when someone decides to cook them, there's no getting that smell of warmed over sewage plant refuse out of your microwave. and when you have to wrestle the saran wrap off the plate of sinewy, puke-green tastebombs, you're bound to get a steam burn and a whiff of odor most foul, like curdled milk and rotten grapes and something you find growing underneath the deck after a really rainy summer and fall buried under a bag of opened fertilizer.

and i haven't even gotten to taste and texture yet. if you are unfortunate enough to be a wee child who is nutritionally forced to eat one of these boogers of satan, this is what you'll notice: the tree-like tip is mealy, crumby and disgusting in many an odiferous way. maybe this is how that scum sucker in your fish tank feels. and the stalk itself? it's stringy, damp, and feels like you're flossing your teeth with rotted eel skins. you may think eel skins would be a nice break, because isn't it the rule that when something tastes god-awful but you're made to swallow it before you can leave the table, you somehow wind up chewing it about 10325892 chews more than the steak and potatoes on your plate? and of course, once you finally do manage to swallow the putrid abomination of vegetable feces down the hatch, you'll reach for the milk. but the whole process has so sullied your taste buds that even the milk tastes slimy, repulsive, and less like milk and more like ass.

and so, i hereby request that the standard dictionary spelling of asparagus be changed to assparagus, alternately spelled assparagass. please, webster? just as a warning. do it for the children.

2. drivers who pop out in front of you from 10 feet away and then proceed to go 8 mph.

it happens all the time. you're minding your own automobillic business, obeying the rules of the road and from out of nowhere a rogue bullet fires out in front of you at a blinding speed. it doesn't matter if you're going 25 or 60 miles an hour, on a back road or a highway, this catapult of steel and tires just can't wait until you drive the extra 15 feet to pass the outlet it's waiting to bust out of. their time is too preciousssss. and so, the battlements of pavement they storm! like a whipcrack they cut you off, you grind your brakes so as not to obliterate the fenders, and think to yourself 'god, what an asshat' while secretly kind of wishing you could handle a turn with that much screech.

and then it happens. as soon as this turd of a driver has muscled his way in front of you, blocking your rights to drive the goddamn legal limit, he slows down to anywhere between ten and 20 miles an hour. and looks at the scenery. and weaves a bit. probably forgets to signal when he's turning (thank god he's turning though) or more likely leaves the blinker on and you are forced to drive 17 miles behind this jackass with a maddening turn signal blinking into your retina like a visual representation of chinese water torture for the eyeball. what was all that hurry about, you may wonder- why the hell did this jerkface pull out so early and hastily and then slow to the speed of a snail on valium?

because a bad driver is a bad driver. the end. oh, and nine times out of ten it's going to be an old guy in a hat. trust me. if they're over sixty and there is a cap involved, they're a shitty driver. do not pass go, do not collect $200. the power of sucktastic driving seems to have been magically sewn into the ridiculous flat brims of their moose club caps, and expect to follow this guy's exhaust-plagued ass (they probably haven't gotten their emissions tested since '72) until you reach your destination. and on your way back home you'll probably get stuck behind his wife. watch out, she's a speed demon. 19 mph she did the other day, i'm telling you, and it was a ripsnorter.

3. tapered leg pants.
i have no idea, nor do i want to do any research about how this tragic cut of fabric came to be. i'll just assume that someone sadistic woke up one morning and thought this shit was a good idea. no. it's not. it is not a flattering look for anybody. i don't care if you weigh 400 pounds or if you're kate moss (who, coke scandal or not, still looks like a busted gerbil on ostrich legs)- you cannot walk around in pants that look like pastry tubes. you just can't. no. i refuse to write anymore on this topic. end of discussion.

4. dolphins.
fuck dolphins. okay? seriously. i said it. i hate the effing dolphins. but whyyyy, you ask me, why would you hate on such cute little creatures? i'll tell you why: they're not so goddamn cute. i mean, really- creepy beady eyes, completely ridiculous snouts, shit eating grins because they know you all think they're the most adorable little water creature ever, and lastly? that noise. that ear-eating, soul-sucking chirp that sounds like a goat on helium being shot by a machine gun- why the hell is that cute?

and it doesn't end there. no. no it doesn't. other reasons dolphins suck at life: if they're so smart, why do they insist on getting caught in the tuna nets? i'm trying to enjoy some delicious tuna salad, but these fuckers have to get in the way and mess up the process and make it all environmentally safe and up the price of tuna if i want the luxury of eating dolphin safe fish. well screw that, i petition bumblebee or perhaps chicken of the sea to stop caring about dolphins and bring down the price. if they're retarded enough to swim into the nets, then darwinism says they should be mixed with mayonnaise and celery and enjoyed with chips and a pepsi. other reasons dolphins are lame include flipper, which was the shittiest show that ever shat its way onto my afternoon nickelodeon programming as a wee child. i wanted to watch salute your shorts, not a goddamn dolphin and his friend on the dock. god. they did nothing but chirp and pretend to understand each other. also, dolphins make really stupid-looking tattoos. i will bet you ten bucks you know a chick with a really 'cute' lower back tattoo that features dolphins swimming around near the sea of ass, or the bay of tailbone. she thinks it's unique. it just means she has nothing else better to spend her money on and when she was 7 she probably colored with lisa frank markers, rode a pony and didn't invite you to her birthday party.

so basically, dolphins all deserve to be shot. or eaten.

5. sporks.
oh, the spork. shaped like a spoon but with tiny little pre-pubescent fork tines. what can i say about this piece of shit design? you can't hold soup because it falls through the teeny tiny tine cracks. you can't pierce anything with it because the spoon bit gets in the way. forget about twirling pasta. forget about having anything even passably decent for lunch in your office or school cafeteria, and hope you're enjoying a lump of meatloaf and mashed potatoes, because that's all you're going to be able to pick up with this waste of plastic. you probably couldn't even do a decent job of gouging someone's eye out in a torture chamber because the forkish bits would break and the spoonish bits would bend and you'd just be left with someone screaming that there's plastic in their eye and could you cut it out with the lame attempt at destroying their vision, please and thank you.

6. bees.
before you can say it, honey is disgusting and not a valuable member of the human diet, therefore no, bees have absolutely no purpose. bees, wasps, hornets, all those buzzing stinging motherfuckers who think it's cool to colonize and hole up in and eat and destroy and generally take up their abhorrent residence in our eaves, decks, attics, and backyards deserve a good steaming spray of bee-b-gone. why?

*hornets. they're mean, ugly, nasty, don't even try to make honey which some people apparently value as 'food'. destroy woodwork. very loud. very hurty. icon for too many school sports teams, cockblocks mascot diversity.

*yellow jackets. this is not just because i got stung by near a whole hive of them when i was about nine including one in the eyeball just a week after recovering from a black eye in the same goddamn eye after a tragic run-in with my brother during a game of capture the flag. this is about the fact that all these things do is fly in your face while you're trying to enjoy something out doors (picnics, bike rides, ritual taunting circles on the blacktop in elementary school) and their entire purpose in life is to sting something. anything. they're like a fucking heroin addict who just thirsts for your lovely flesh and once they've needled you? they die. way to go, nature. awesome.

*also, have you ever seen someone with an allergic reaction to bees? no thank you. it's as bad as that kid who can't eat peanuts who eats a cookie that was processed in a plant that may or may not contain traces of peanuts or tree nuts and whose face baloons into a tomato with hair and there are ambulances and frantic mothers and the flashing of id bracelets and jesus timmy we just wanted to enjoy this kid's birthday party, why'd you go and ruin it by drinking out of a can of soda that had a bee in it? ass. wait, that comparison was supposed to be about a kid who ate a peanut. oh whatever. bees make me so mad my continuity fails, and that's reason enough to call for their extinction.

so in conclusion, bees and timmy need the boot. actually timmy might have gotten it by now if he hasn't kicked the soda habit.

7. the new york yankees.
i could probably make a whole new list based on the ten things that suck about the state of baseball in general, but i'll start with the king: the goddamn yankees. and yes, certainly because i'm a sox fan and johnny damon is dead to me might have something to do with it, and by the way when i say dead i mean i hope he meets the unfortunate end of a vat of aforementioned asparagus, falls ungraciously, hellaciously ill, is transported to a witch doctor in africa who possesses the knowledge of the world's only asparagus-overdose cure which involves a firebrush enema and tragically while performing the custom the witchdoctor and his habbery jabbery hocus pocus incurs the wrath of staunchly anti-magic killer bees (the only reprieve on my fuck all bees list), who chase him and damon into the plains where the yankee defector is run over by a rabid hippo and then finds comfort in the embrace of ten thousand fire ants before being shot by a hunter who thought he was a rare shrieking gazelle. but i digress. things about the yankees that must be eradicated:

*joe torre and his hat. for real, could he wear that any higher up on his head? it makes me wanna get all whack-a-mole with a bat and smash it down so he won't look like his head is 2 feet tall.

*a rod and his purple lips. for real. get some carmex, or at least some rouge to fool us into thinking you aren't actually dying of hypothermia.

*derek jeter and his copyrighted smirk. how enfuriating is that thing?

*the highest salary set of any team in mlb, which, okay i realize isn't much to argue about since my beloved sox take the #2 slot, but, still. a list is a list and a bitching must be heard.

now, look. i'm not saying completely annihilate the yankees. and i'm not besmirching yankee fans; for pete's sake my mother loves them and i have a few dear friends who live and breathe for the bronx bombers. and the crux of it is, being a red sox fan wouldn't be half as much fun without the nemesis. and anyhow, it's not the team itself that i despise, it's the concept of said team that irks: an all-business, pinstriped clean-shaven juggernaut-cum-'team' expected to win. seriously. cut it out with the winning. it's boring. it's like the damn williams sisters or tiger. give somebody else a chance and maybe the world won't loathe you so friggin much.

proposed plan: deny the yankees a world series win for at least 50 years. after suitable dry spell, a reemergence of winning streak may be considered. and may damon's name forever be wiped from the record books, amen.

8. incompetent parents.
this is all you need to know about these idiots: they think it's okay and functional to reason with a toddler. yes, because little bobby fully understands 'please', 'i wish you wouldn't' and 'would you rather?'. (and really, as much as you'll hear me rant about children and how i never want them because they are parasites who feed on everything you own including your own soul and/or will to live, i blame the parents and not their offspring. kids aren't born knowing they're total asswipes. they must be taught.) but back to the parents, god, what fucktards. look, you can't string a baby up on a leash and let it run wild and call it a substitute for watching the damn thing. and yet surprisingly, the leash is the only medium in which these parents realize their spawn are like puppies. you pay to put the puppy in obedience training, right? puppy gets sent to the doghouse for peeing on the carpet, yes? puppy only gets fed what you put in its bowl and not what it wants at the drop of a hat, am i wrong? so stop fucking catering to your 2-foot tall person and letting it hit you, scream, pull your hair, demand chocolate pudding for breakfast and shit on you. give it some goddamn obedience training, stop letting it chew on everything, and know that the kid is not going to understand the importance of 'feelings'. it's going to understand 'yes' and 'no'. stick to it. jerks.

9. tornados.
if i need to expand on why these things suck, you lose and i deserve to punch your face. and no the pun was not intended but i'm sure you went there anyway.



10. junior high school.

okay. first of all, we're not talking your pansycrap k-8th private school 8th grade here. no. we are talking about horomonally quarantined 13 and 14 year olds shoved in their own hellbox for 7th and 8th grades. yeah, that's smart. let's give viciously awkward girls and boys who have been growing boobs or scraggly facial weeds a school all their own, where there are no younger kids to mentor and no older kids to regulate. yeah. brilliant. let's also send them to the same crazy wire-wielding man who straps them into braces because what everyone learning to kiss needs is a beartrap mauling their gums. rigid social structure and heinous mockery of anybody who doesn't completely and totally fit in because they won't drink schnapps or smoke in the bathrooms? are you kidding? it'll never happen. this couldn't possibly develop into a pressure cooker of stature, bad cologne, teachers who resent the little shits they've succumbed to enduring for 40 hours a week, ceaseless mockery and out of whack body glands. not ever.


and that, my friends, is a list of the ten most unnecessary things on planet earth. due up tonight or sometime tomorrow, the top ten grammatical things you do to piss me off, followed by the ten best insults for a variety of occasions. later kids.

65 comments:

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Fuck bees.

<3

Anonymous said...

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