Tuesday, August 22, 2006

ten signs that say the apocalypse is surely upon us

quite honestly, i don't know how the entire fabric of time/space/universe/quantumwhateverish hasn't collapsed into itself. why, you ask? sadly, it is my duty to report to you these

10 signs that the world will quite possibly spin off its axis before the day is through

1. turn it up.

2. fightin' over me.

3. stars are blind.

4. i want you.

5. jealousy.

6. heartbeat.

7. nothing in this world.

8. screwed.

9. not leaving without you

10. turn you on

i'm very well aware you may be saying, 'what the shit is this?' to which i have only one answer: paris hilton's album came out today. our ears, our tween population's hello kitty wallets, and the last shred of music's dignity are all available for a fresh raping. i don't think i really need to go into further detail than that except to say oh god what a twat paris hilton is, fix your goddamn lazy eye and jebus crikey there is officially nothing sacred anymore. what a desecration. i mean have you heard this shit? she's reedy at best and that's with her vocals layered six times. six times. ho can sing as well as i can be skinny and i do believe i'm feeling the inner-skull rumblings of eardrum combustion coming on. either that or my heart just breaks into approximately 1938502310456872845 pieces at the thought of this cuntrag stealing radio/itunes/world space from deserving musicians who don't deserve to die an anguished death even a billionth as much as she does. seriously, why hasn't the syphilis taken her out yet?

oh and ps i know there are 14 tracks on the album and my list only includes ten but that's becase a) my lists only ever include ten things and b) as the world is due to implode via the musical stylings of crabcrotch mcskanky, are 4 more songs really going to make any more of a difference? it's like howler monkeys taking a dump on your house that just burned down, which, actually now that i think about it really does kind of suck because it'd make it smell. so, nevermind. whatever. the world's ending, i've got to go max out my credit cards.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If we were talking about anyone but Paris Hilton, I'd defend the person's lazy eye because they can be oddly sexy (see: Thom Yorke), but since we ARE talking about her, I agree. And ew, please just disappear altogether.