Tuesday, August 15, 2006

ten grammatical things you do that piss off the planet

okay. i know what you're thinking. 'how the eff can b comment on grammar when she's not even using capitalization? what a douchebag.' which, fine. but at least i'm spelling properly (hopefully, because the spellcheck on blogger is heinous) and using proper grammar most of the time.

unfortunately there are scads upon heaps upon multitudes of assgoblins who cannot use proper grammar to save their lives. i'm not saying we all have to have perfect spelling and grammar (hell, even i don't understand half that textbook crap foisted on us year after year in school, and i declare sentence diagrams utterly useless) but there are some basic tenets of the language i just have to nail down before i suffer an aneurism from constant english abuse. and so, without further verbal procrastination,

ten things people do that are grammatically incorrect and make them look like jackholes.

1. i seen
first of all: no. you do not/don't/didn't/won't seen something. it's not possible. subject-godfuckingdamn-verb agreement, jerks. god, this pisses me off. when did this start happening? i swear i never heard this crap on the east coast. but once i got out here to non-specified western-ish locale, it started needling my ears and making me twitch. typical usage of said abomination:

worker bee #1: has anyone from the tech desk stopped by to fix this monitor?
worker bee #2: yeah, i seen someone here ten minutes ago.

okay. what's wrong with this? i'll tell you. you can't seen something, plain and simple. you saw it. saw. repeat after me: i saw someone here ten minutes ago. why can't you seen? because seen is goddamn motherfucking some verb tense that i'm not going to pretend to know the name of but i know it's definitely not plain jane ordinary past tense, you insipid moron.

proper ways to use 'seen':
i have seen someone come on previous occasions, but not today.
i hope to have seen someone stop by before the day is over.
no, i haven't seen anyone stop by yet.
i thought i had seen someone but it turns out i didn't.
by now, i hope everyone has seen how retarded these assholes sound saying 'i seen.'

in conclusion, no. you may not use 'seen' by itself. 'i seen' deserves a meat fork in your goddamn eyeball if i hear it uttered even once. you may say 'i have seen' if you have done said action before said occurrence and-- oh fuck it, just make it simpler and not about subjunctives or whatever this is and say 'i saw.' but not 'i seen.' capiche? it better be goddamn capiche cause i'm not reminding you again. turd.

2. i don't know?
holy shit, you're riding the short bus. are you asking me if you don't know? because a ? turns a statement into a freaking question and i'm really running out of answers for you people. most likely if you're telling me you don't know something --which i don't doubt because, well, you're abusing your own goddamn language-- you're doing just that: telling me. not asking me. if you're not asking, you don't need a question mark. let me repeat that: if you are saying you do not know something, you are stating you don't know it, not asking if you don't know it it. a statement has no holy effing question marks about it, you butt scuttler.

i don't know why she said that?

less headache-inducing way:
i don't know why she said that.

is this getting through your skull? you don't say 'i know?', you say 'i know.' saying you don't know is simply negating the frigging sentence. making it negative doth not a question make. is there any way i can make this easier to understand? look, it's totally understandable to turn it into a question in this way:

why did she say that? i don't know.

okay? there. that's how. if you don't understand this basic idea, then i'm going to slap your face with my mahi-mahi of persuasion, and trust me it's cold and scaly and you don't want it.

plausible scenario:

idiot: i don't know where i'm going? (making a statement, retardifying it by using ? instead of .)
b: you don't know? (this is allowable, because i am asking a goddamn question.)
idiot: i don't understand?
b: *slaps you with a fish*
idiot: ow, why did you do that? (this, finally, is acceptable questioning behavior. well done. but if i see you type 'i have no clue why b slapped me with a fish?' i will kill you.)

to recap: not knowing/understanding/being confused by something is not a question. question marks are only for actual questions. oh god my brain cries.

3. your/you're
sweet unmerciful crap. it mashes my brain into babyfoody bits to see how many people with ma's and phd's can't spell their way out of your bag. and that's your, not you're. why? the answer is simple:

your = belonging to you. that's it. nothing else. it is yours. your cat. your retardation. yours alone. actually, unfortunately, not yours alone, but shared by many.

you're = you are. again, that's it. simple as can la di fucking da be. okay? you are. you're. as in 'you're retarded', or, 'you are retarded.' does this make sense?

your retardation = the retardation that is yours and yours alone, belongs to you, nobody else's.
you're retarded = you are fucking retahdid.

and that's all. please dear god let that be all i ever have to say about this one again. if it isn't, i fear i will go on a murderous rampage and the first victims shall be those without a basic k-8 understanding of spelling and grammar. so, all higher learned folks who think they can skate by on jargon and suits alone, look out. this means you.

4. there/their/they're
i'm not going to cover all the homonyms in the english language because quite frankly my life is too short and my genetics say i'm due to kick the bucket in less than another 50 which may be why i'm so bitter to you peons, but, let's get this straight: these are three different words, shiteaters. observe:

there: a place. a position. a location thereof. it is there. as in 'there lies the grave of my dead aunt sally, the last of my family who had two brain cells to rub together before the rest of us ate paint chips for afternoon snack.'

their: belonging to two or more people. as in 'their paint chips were indeed tasty and redolent of peanut butter, and yet their intelligence did wane in proportion to paint chips consumed.'

they're: contraction of 'they are'. that's it. as in 'as a result, they're all now collectively as smart as a beaver whose head was crushed by a californian redwood after gnawing it down in the prime of its life.'

so to conclude: despite their constant bitching amongst mouths stuffed full of skoal and pabst, there is no need to place blame on 'the system' for the tripe they're calling 'dialect.' no. dialect is a way of speaking unique to a region, not a fucking decimation of intelligence and hope. go wrestle a fucking alligator already, and if he drags you under, he just wants to play. remember, if you try to breathe, you're insulting him.

5. for all intensive purposes
um, have you ever picked up a book, newspaper or magazine in your life and in it seen this phrase written? no, dickweed, you haven't. and yet you hear it all the time. what's up with that? i'll tell you what's up: you've spelled it phonetically, which goes to show you just wanted to sound intelligent using a grown-up phrase that only sooper smrt people use and have thus shown how mentally inept you are because you can’t have any actual concept of what this phrase means if you write it ‘intensive purposes’. what the fuck are intensive purposes?

look, brainiac, the phrase is for all intents and purposes. not intensive purposes, unless maybe you’re an obsessed stalker and you’re writing your purposes in a creepy diary you’re creating out of this girl’s used receipts, tissues and hair you took from the girl’s bathroom that you’re pretty sure is hers because it curls in just the right way. and even then, to stalk is your intent and purpose, not intensive purpose. so, shut up and stop being so untalented in the thinking department.

6. i could care less
well crap on a cracker, i bet you actually could care less, because it would appear that you've exhausted your brain by caring so goddamn much about your unimportant problems that you left no capacity whatsoever for cognitive reasoning. jerkoffs break this golden oldie out all the time, and it never ceases to amaze me how many people don't realize they're flat-out as wrong as republicans.

what you mean to say is that you couldn't care less. let's look at an example of this atrocity:

imbecile #1: i heard that cow farts are destroying the ozone layer!
imbecile #2: whatev. i could care less. we can tan faster!

if you're a total tard and you care more about tanning than the protective layer of shit that makes sure you don't get a dozen kinds of cancer, it is sadly safe to assume you don't care about the cows and their methane destroying said layer. so it would reason that you are both really orange and probably have bad extensions and also that you could stand to care more about the ozone layer because you don't care at all about it right now. hence, if you could care more, you cannot care less. cripes.

let's have another example because i'm relatively sure one scenario is not good enough for you dopes.

jerk #1: dude, my dog died.
jerk #2: so? he bit my nuts that one time. i could care less if he died a thousand fiery deaths.
jerk #1: ...your mom's a whore.
jerk #2: ...so is your dog for chomping my balls.

let's review: the dog that died bit your nuts. hence, you are not sad that the damn dog is dead. you do not care. you care much less than jerk #1. in fact, one might say you couldn't care less. am i making myself clear to you cretins? i hope so, because did you know every time you fuck up could and couldn't, it makes you smell more like a cow fart? true story.

7. utilize
alright, i understand that in some circles utilize is a perfectly acceptable word. are you an engineer? do you work for nasa? is your iq 180? no? then cut it the fuck out and say 'use'. jesus. here, this annoys me so much that i can't even put it into words so i'm going to let the good folks behind the apple dictionary widget speak for me:

usage: utilize, borrowed in the 19th century from the french: utiliser, means 'make practical use or effective use of.' because it is a more formal word than use and is often used in context (as in business writing) where the ordinary verb use would be simpler and more direct, utilize may strike readers as pretentious jargon and should therefore be used sparingly.

unfortunately the dictionary did not include this addendum, furnished by the Society for Hunting & Trapping Useless Pretentious fucks, or S.H.U.T. U.P.:

if you are an interior designer, sales associate, office minion, barista, or general jackass, you have no right or reason to use 'utilize' and therefore will be penalized for said unnecessary verbal crime. punishment for any jerkass who does not hold a phd in physics, engineering or some other impossible science using 'utilize' in any context will be done up the butt with a cactus. repeatedly.

8. it's/its
alright. this is not hard. this is the kind of shit that preschoolers can master in eight languages if you give them 5 minutes with a stickybear bop cd-rom, and yet here you are in all your wisdom saying 'its my birthday, yay!' i don't give a flying fuckling if it's your birthday, you will sit here for two minutes and learn the goddamn difference between it's and its.

short for it is. that's all there is to it. it + is = it's.
ie: it is time for birthday cake = it's time for birthday cake.

belonging to it, quality of it. basically, if you could not say 'it is', you say its. look below.
as in: the cake was so half-assed that its icing resembled mud and tasted like ass.
see how you couldn't say 'it is icing'? that's what we call idiot-proofing. if, after this, you screw up its and it's, you have my full permission to see what happens when you taunt a rattlesnake.

get it? let's mix and match: "like your present? _____ a bottle opener that says 'beer! _____ what's for dinner!" said her boyfriend. not so tragically, _____ sharp end soon found _____ way into his aorta because she broke up with him a week ago and he only showed up for cake, the bastard.

if you answered it's, it's, its and its, congratulations, you have a functioning frontal lobe. if you answered in any other combination, i hope you eat the entire birthday cake and contract diabetes.

9. weird.
look, buttermonkeys, this isn't hard. this is like the one time ever that people actually pay attention to a fooking lesson they learned in school, that being the 'i before e except after c' rule that we learned in third grade and it's obnoxious as all hell that nobody ever taught them the exceptions. that's right, i'm looking at you, teachers. what the fuck are we paying you for? oh, right. we hardly pay you shit. nevermind.

anyway, since nobody's paying me either i feel i'm equally qualified to teach you: weird is weirdly spelled. get it? see what i did there? didya? eh, eh? look i only ask so many times because i'm quite sure you didn't. w-e-i-r-d. stop listening to the i before e rule on this one. it's not wierd. it's weird. the end. ass.

10. eye dont no y u r typin lyke thiz lol fOr ReAlz!!1!
jesus christ on a crutch. stop. there is no other grammatical order i will give you. just cut it the fuck out. if you have to stop to think of a goddamn alternate spelling for one-letter words or in turn create one-letter blips out of actual longer ones, you are spending too much time on this and not enough on learning how to kill yourself for being such a waste of space. to be perfectly clear, i will jam pliers through your nose and into your limbic system, ripping it and your pathetic dried-up brain's other lobes out through your nostrils much like ancient egyptian mummies if you don't stop it with this abhorrent typing shit. spell correctly. also? ThIs Is FuCkInG rEtArDeD. do you know how long it takes to type that verbal diarrhea? holy god, get a goddamn motherfucking life you douchebag, stop polluting the internet with your mismatched case tripe, and/or hang yourself. in fact, no. you're too fargone to be taught proper typing. just go ahead with the hanging.

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