Wednesday, January 28, 2009

eclipse, or: why anneurisms happen

ahoy there, bitches. i've got a few minutes before the muscle relaxers kick in, so how about i litter your screen with drivel? why not. in this edition: music, exploding chocolate eggs, another twilight review of hatred, and thoughts about how bad a monday can *actually* get before you contemplate breaking out the vodka at your desk at work. it's been that kind of week, guys. seriously. alright. first up:

from the good folks at, i've copy/pasted/whatevered my review of the third book in the twilight saga (i lol at the word 'saga', by the way. it's so overly dramatic for no reason. kind of like these needless books) so here we go:

by stephenie meyer

oh, eclipse. i hereby don thee with a heaping dollop of 'mehhhhhh' garnished with 'uh, srsly?' while saying this book was not as heinous as the last two in its quartet of vampiric high school dramz is basically tantamount to saying i enjoyed getting my toenails pulled out slightly more than i enjoyed cleaving my arms off with a saw blade, i will allow that there was somewhat less edward admiration and/or jacob waffle in this portion. but that's not saying much. why? because there was still a shitton of both and added to the froth was a new component: bella's GUILT over things that were SO NOT HER FAULT OMG ARE YOU KIDDING ME WHY. this is interesting, because honestly, though this is a first person narrative, three books in we barely know beautiful ugly duckling i mean bella swan. let us visit her hypothetical diary entries that she may have had time to hash out between cooking dinner for her ungrateful absentee father and waiting by the windows for her her stalktastic vampire boyfriend and/or even stalktastickier werewolf best friend, shall we? oh, let's. and then let's shoot ourselves up with dr cullen's morphine to make us forget we ever did.

'dear diary which might be schoolbook margins bc i don't do anything at home except cook and clean and do nothing at school except stare at edward's perfect pretty so in the end who knows where i'm writing this,

so, omg i am bella swan i will vaguely mention there have been some total murders in seattle but more importantly i am STILL HUMAN WTF. i am counting down the days to graduation bc then i get turned into a vampire by my eddiepoo but apparently i am not counting hard enough bc when eddiekins and his sis alice point out that i graduate in mere weeks i'm all ARE YOU KIDDING ME OH MY LAWDS and while i'm here at school, has anybody seen a teacher because apparently i'm caught in a love triangle but i don't know what a triangle is bc i get no edjumacation during this book and does anybody know what angles add up to 180 so i can get out of this thing. srsly, i'm all hanging with the jacob and the werewolves learning about their life stories like it's the olympics of tall tales or something, and then alice is holding me hostage bc i wanted to visit the werewolves who are all bitchy towards the vampires and then edward is all 'well maybe you can visit after all' and i'm all 'omg you couldn't have told me that AFTER you followed me on the road like a stalker' and he doesn't even have to apologize bc he is too beautiful and sparkly for that human nonsense, and anyway i learn from the werewolves that i totally love jake bc even though he's a dramarama he keeps kissraping me and apparently when you get frenched enough you figure out you love somebody, which is srsly not fair bc jacob said he'd kill himself if i didn't kiss him and edward laughed about it just like when my dad laughed when i broke my hand punching jacob after he kiss-raped me *before*, like, THANKS ALL THE MEN IN MY LIFE. also diary, did you know vampires can still get into heaven if they don't have sex before marriage? i learned that from my wonderful edward who knows everything. turns out it doesn't matter that he's killed people and bought my way into dartmouth or whatever, if he touches me in my pajingo before we're all hubby-wifey, he'll go to HECK. so that's bad.

ANYWAY, at some point during 600 pages i was forced to listen to edward's siblings and how they wish they were human bc they totes got turned vampy against their beautiful debutante/soldier-type wills, but i'm all 'whatevs, I WANT TO BE IMMORTAL with a skin temperature that would keep caviar fresh thx' and even though ed's bro emmet was totally in the army back in the day, he totally misses the fact that the murders happening in seattle is an army of vampires led by my ARCH NEMESIS VICTORIA who sent in a flunky to STEAL MY CLOTHES WHICH IS SO NOT COOL. so plot device i mean alice sees 200 pages into the future to plant us on some dumb mountain covered in snow to fight the newbie vampires and it's SO COLD at night in my stupid tent that it requires jacob 'the space heater' to get all naked with me in a sleeping bag WHILE EDWARD WATCHES, OMG I'M UNCOMFORTABLE WITH MY OWN DRAMA) and then everybody fucks up in battle bc victoria shows up all 'um, yeah, i sent my army of vampires as a diversion, DUH' which i guess we should have seen coming, ALICE. anyway, we and the werewolf brat pack kill the vampires anyway and the vultures from italy are all 'well you did our job for us' and dakota fanning who swears she's named jane looked particularly upset about it but that's what *happens* when you show up late. and then i had to go break jake's heart by telling him i'm marrying edward because he won't not talk about it ever and a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get some action, and so he turns into a wolf and scampers away forevar. oh and i graduated high school somewhere in there. now when do i get to have sex and become immortal darnit? man, life is hard.

xoxoxoow i just papercut myself,
bella cullen, bitchez'

...and just like before, you know i'm reading the next one. i hear there's some demonic child-baring action so at least we know edward can get it up.

actually, i'm tired. all the shit i said i'd write about other than this book review? i lied to you. yup. straight-up played you. i'm not writing about it now. my bed is looking too fine to resist, and i can't see you so i'm not sure if you're finer. so there.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

ten things i- ah, fuck it. that's a boring number anyway.

so, i've been thinking (i promise not to abuse the power) and have decided that while lists of ten nonsensical things have been fun, turns out my hyperactive typing fingers and my ADD-fueld brain have got way more to write in this little niche of the interwebs than lists. there are music opinions, books i've read, conversations that have made me nearly pee with laughter, links to sites and videos that totally won even though there wasn't a contest at the time, thoughts about this that and the other thing, and various and sundry shite i don't put in my lj or my facebook notes. i also fully realize it's navel-gazing to the nth degree (possibly o, p, or the seldom heard of qth degree) to pollute these html pages with such drivel but seeing as stat counter says most of you land here because of random hamster and/or tornado pictures i used for posts years ago, i don't feel bad about alienating you. and thus, programming change:

this blog is going all-encompassing, people. oh that's right. prepare for random of the finest pedigree courtesy of the b. (did i just call myself 'the b'? wow. i may have to put myself on notice.) anyhoo, first up, because it made my boss and my coworker giggle, and that was awesome bc let's face it, my self-confidence is idolizing zero for wanting to *go* somewhere, and wow i'm using a lot of commas- anyway, my reviews for the first two books in the twilight series. long story short? i told my brain i was going to go onto the third book and it threatened to give me a stroke just out of spite.


book one of the twilight series
rating: 1 of 5 stars

dreck. dreck, dreck, dreck. see how you're not learning much of anything when i repeat the same word over and over? take note, stephenie meyer- unlike blues clues on a weekly basis or crunches or whatever else actually benefits from repeated use, using the same stale phrases will not help an idea set in. if i ever have to hear again how beautiful and perfect edward cullen is, i will not fall in love with him, i will punch him in the stupid domineering condescending creepy stalkerish motherfuck sparkly face.

i could go on for awhile about how much i loathed this book from start to finish but for the sake of short attention spans and my wish to wash it from memory, i'll sum up:

*bella swan (please, what a mary sue name) has no personality. at all. nothing. she is flatter than a pre-training bra tween eating matzoh on the plains of kansas.

*edward cullen is a fucking creep. he is. he WATCHES HER SLEEP, for pete's sake. he tells her what to do and bella gives in every time. he dictates her entire life and is the most condescending prick i've had the misfortune of meeting in the pages of a book.

*the plot took 400 pages to happen, and even up to that point, i say this as a girl who loves both baseball and sparkly things- glittery vampires playing baseball is just downright embarassing. to wit, repeated declarations of 'i love you!' 'but i'm dangerous!' 'but i can't be without you, i'd rather die!' 'i cannot part from you you smell good' doth not a plot make. seriously. we're given NO reasons for why these two should love each other other than edward's stupid cold marble-like angelfaced beauty and the fact that bella apparently smells delicious. (which, um.) yeah. sorry, that's not the stuff great romances are made of.

*even as much as it infuriated me what with the utter devotion bella has to this creep who tells her exactly what to do (he THROWS HER OVER HIS SHOULDER AND CARRIES HER DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST WHEN SHE SAYS SHE'S NOT HUNGRY, PEOPLE. HOW IS THAT AT ALL KOSHER? LOOK, IT'S GOT ME ALL YELLY.), this story also bored me. like woah.

okay so that veered into more than bullet points. sorry. but not sorry at the same time, because wow. that was awful. now all i'm left with is femmy hangover and rising paranoia that my alma mater is going to repossess my english degree for even giving into this sludge to begin with. and so for some reason i've started to read the second.

shut up.

View all my reviews.

new moon
twilight book #2
rating: 1 of 5 stars

so i went into the second book of the twilight series hoping i'd like it more than the first, and that swiftly failed. aside from a bit more exposition and some fleshing out (however slight and anemic) of jacob who is by the way SO MUCH BETTER THAN EDWARD OMG, i hated this story. i couldn't like it. um, no. not even a little bit. stephenie meyer, i demand those 600+ pages' worth of time back. are you KIDDING ME? i mean really? it took you that long to tell me what is essentially diddly shit? look, i can do it quicker:

i am bella swan! i don't want to turn 18 bc i am older than mai twu wuv edward who is 17 on paper but LIKE 100 YEARS OLD IN REALITY WTF. but ennyways, i ttly got a papercut at my vampy bday party and eddie srsly realizes his fam could eat me if i'm so klutzy again, so he leaves. I AM DEPRESSED. i am so depressed i flail about in the woods like a dumbass and then spend months in zombie mode bc what every good vampire story needs is ZOMBIES. then i decide to put myself in danger bc edward will save me, and then i hear edward's voice in my head and it gets me ttly hot. omg you have no idea guys, srsly. so i totally hang out with my old friend jacob black who is, like, have i mentioned a zillion feet taller and warm all the time? whatevs, i'm looking to be ~*reckless*~, so he fixes up motorcycles for us so i can crash around with adrenaline and klutziness bc i am hapless and want to DEFY PEOPLE bc there is an ACHING HOLE IN MY CHEST AND SOUL when edward is gone! i am nothing without my eddie poo. sigh. woe. and so i'm ttly like, hung up on jake after awhile bc he's like, kind of a replacement but NOT AS PERFECT AS MY EDDIEKINS who by the way has still vanished but keeps talking to me in my head cause i'm nutterbutter but totally fine with that. anyhoodles, then jake turns all werewolfy and i'm all wtf and he's all i know right and i'm all why you gotta be hatin on the vampires OMG remember the one from the last book that totally didn't get mentioned til now? yeah she's trying to kill me and jacob is all OMG I'LL SAVE YOU and then i go cliff diving in a hurricane because i'm dumb and somehow i wind up in italy bc edward thought i killed myself and then the super in charge principal vampire is all 'ummmm, yeah. you're immune to our powers, mary sue' and i'm all 'my name is bella' and he's all 'oh my bad, anyway, become one of us or die' and i'm all 'sweet' and then edward goes 'well i'll turn you, but you gotta marry me first' and i'm all WUT. do i LOOK like the marrying type? I CAN'T COMMIT WTF. but i can totes become a vampire guys. just you wait.

and then jacob gets all dramarama when edward returns and gets me in trouble by telling my dad about my motorcycle. as IF. the end.

and for reasons unknown, i'm reading the third one. shoot me now.

View all my reviews.

and other various things:

link of the day: post-it notes stories

song of the day: 20 dollar nosebleed by fall out boy (i know, but really, this album is kind of awesome. i never liked them before. consider old dog learning new tricks and whatnot.) anyhoo, this song is just...well, it's pure pop but it's piano and horns and fabulousity. so suck it and sing along.

thing i'm currently being pretentious about: reading 'the infinite jest' by david foster wallace. i know. i'm that girl.

thing i bought that i didn't know i needed til i saw it: a stained-glass lamp lightbulb. now my bed is lit up in reds and blues and greens like i'm a total hippie at a tgi-fridays. this is unfortunate, but also, SO AWESOME. scientists are not quite sure about the hows and/or whys.

total annoyance: school busses who break out the side-armour katana of the stop sign whilst dumbshit kids contain their rowdy selves and find a seat on the bus. SIT DOWN ALREADY I'M LATE FOR WORK.

final thought for this installment: if craig ferguson ever does a show near you, go to it. just go. take my advice and thank me later. the end.