Thursday, January 15, 2009

ten things i- ah, fuck it. that's a boring number anyway.

so, i've been thinking (i promise not to abuse the power) and have decided that while lists of ten nonsensical things have been fun, turns out my hyperactive typing fingers and my ADD-fueld brain have got way more to write in this little niche of the interwebs than lists. there are music opinions, books i've read, conversations that have made me nearly pee with laughter, links to sites and videos that totally won even though there wasn't a contest at the time, thoughts about this that and the other thing, and various and sundry shite i don't put in my lj or my facebook notes. i also fully realize it's navel-gazing to the nth degree (possibly o, p, or the seldom heard of qth degree) to pollute these html pages with such drivel but seeing as stat counter says most of you land here because of random hamster and/or tornado pictures i used for posts years ago, i don't feel bad about alienating you. and thus, programming change:

this blog is going all-encompassing, people. oh that's right. prepare for random of the finest pedigree courtesy of the b. (did i just call myself 'the b'? wow. i may have to put myself on notice.) anyhoo, first up, because it made my boss and my coworker giggle, and that was awesome bc let's face it, my self-confidence is idolizing zero for wanting to *go* somewhere, and wow i'm using a lot of commas- anyway, my reviews for the first two books in the twilight series. long story short? i told my brain i was going to go onto the third book and it threatened to give me a stroke just out of spite.


book one of the twilight series
rating: 1 of 5 stars

dreck. dreck, dreck, dreck. see how you're not learning much of anything when i repeat the same word over and over? take note, stephenie meyer- unlike blues clues on a weekly basis or crunches or whatever else actually benefits from repeated use, using the same stale phrases will not help an idea set in. if i ever have to hear again how beautiful and perfect edward cullen is, i will not fall in love with him, i will punch him in the stupid domineering condescending creepy stalkerish motherfuck sparkly face.

i could go on for awhile about how much i loathed this book from start to finish but for the sake of short attention spans and my wish to wash it from memory, i'll sum up:

*bella swan (please, what a mary sue name) has no personality. at all. nothing. she is flatter than a pre-training bra tween eating matzoh on the plains of kansas.

*edward cullen is a fucking creep. he is. he WATCHES HER SLEEP, for pete's sake. he tells her what to do and bella gives in every time. he dictates her entire life and is the most condescending prick i've had the misfortune of meeting in the pages of a book.

*the plot took 400 pages to happen, and even up to that point, i say this as a girl who loves both baseball and sparkly things- glittery vampires playing baseball is just downright embarassing. to wit, repeated declarations of 'i love you!' 'but i'm dangerous!' 'but i can't be without you, i'd rather die!' 'i cannot part from you you smell good' doth not a plot make. seriously. we're given NO reasons for why these two should love each other other than edward's stupid cold marble-like angelfaced beauty and the fact that bella apparently smells delicious. (which, um.) yeah. sorry, that's not the stuff great romances are made of.

*even as much as it infuriated me what with the utter devotion bella has to this creep who tells her exactly what to do (he THROWS HER OVER HIS SHOULDER AND CARRIES HER DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST WHEN SHE SAYS SHE'S NOT HUNGRY, PEOPLE. HOW IS THAT AT ALL KOSHER? LOOK, IT'S GOT ME ALL YELLY.), this story also bored me. like woah.

okay so that veered into more than bullet points. sorry. but not sorry at the same time, because wow. that was awful. now all i'm left with is femmy hangover and rising paranoia that my alma mater is going to repossess my english degree for even giving into this sludge to begin with. and so for some reason i've started to read the second.

shut up.

View all my reviews.

new moon
twilight book #2
rating: 1 of 5 stars

so i went into the second book of the twilight series hoping i'd like it more than the first, and that swiftly failed. aside from a bit more exposition and some fleshing out (however slight and anemic) of jacob who is by the way SO MUCH BETTER THAN EDWARD OMG, i hated this story. i couldn't like it. um, no. not even a little bit. stephenie meyer, i demand those 600+ pages' worth of time back. are you KIDDING ME? i mean really? it took you that long to tell me what is essentially diddly shit? look, i can do it quicker:

i am bella swan! i don't want to turn 18 bc i am older than mai twu wuv edward who is 17 on paper but LIKE 100 YEARS OLD IN REALITY WTF. but ennyways, i ttly got a papercut at my vampy bday party and eddie srsly realizes his fam could eat me if i'm so klutzy again, so he leaves. I AM DEPRESSED. i am so depressed i flail about in the woods like a dumbass and then spend months in zombie mode bc what every good vampire story needs is ZOMBIES. then i decide to put myself in danger bc edward will save me, and then i hear edward's voice in my head and it gets me ttly hot. omg you have no idea guys, srsly. so i totally hang out with my old friend jacob black who is, like, have i mentioned a zillion feet taller and warm all the time? whatevs, i'm looking to be ~*reckless*~, so he fixes up motorcycles for us so i can crash around with adrenaline and klutziness bc i am hapless and want to DEFY PEOPLE bc there is an ACHING HOLE IN MY CHEST AND SOUL when edward is gone! i am nothing without my eddie poo. sigh. woe. and so i'm ttly like, hung up on jake after awhile bc he's like, kind of a replacement but NOT AS PERFECT AS MY EDDIEKINS who by the way has still vanished but keeps talking to me in my head cause i'm nutterbutter but totally fine with that. anyhoodles, then jake turns all werewolfy and i'm all wtf and he's all i know right and i'm all why you gotta be hatin on the vampires OMG remember the one from the last book that totally didn't get mentioned til now? yeah she's trying to kill me and jacob is all OMG I'LL SAVE YOU and then i go cliff diving in a hurricane because i'm dumb and somehow i wind up in italy bc edward thought i killed myself and then the super in charge principal vampire is all 'ummmm, yeah. you're immune to our powers, mary sue' and i'm all 'my name is bella' and he's all 'oh my bad, anyway, become one of us or die' and i'm all 'sweet' and then edward goes 'well i'll turn you, but you gotta marry me first' and i'm all WUT. do i LOOK like the marrying type? I CAN'T COMMIT WTF. but i can totes become a vampire guys. just you wait.

and then jacob gets all dramarama when edward returns and gets me in trouble by telling my dad about my motorcycle. as IF. the end.

and for reasons unknown, i'm reading the third one. shoot me now.

View all my reviews.

and other various things:

link of the day: post-it notes stories

song of the day: 20 dollar nosebleed by fall out boy (i know, but really, this album is kind of awesome. i never liked them before. consider old dog learning new tricks and whatnot.) anyhoo, this song is just...well, it's pure pop but it's piano and horns and fabulousity. so suck it and sing along.

thing i'm currently being pretentious about: reading 'the infinite jest' by david foster wallace. i know. i'm that girl.

thing i bought that i didn't know i needed til i saw it: a stained-glass lamp lightbulb. now my bed is lit up in reds and blues and greens like i'm a total hippie at a tgi-fridays. this is unfortunate, but also, SO AWESOME. scientists are not quite sure about the hows and/or whys.

total annoyance: school busses who break out the side-armour katana of the stop sign whilst dumbshit kids contain their rowdy selves and find a seat on the bus. SIT DOWN ALREADY I'M LATE FOR WORK.

final thought for this installment: if craig ferguson ever does a show near you, go to it. just go. take my advice and thank me later. the end.

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