Wednesday, November 26, 2008

ten things i'm thankful for

alright y'all: it's thanksgiving. it's the time of year when, as we gorge on tryptophan-rich turkey and crunchy helmet-smashing football on a blessed day off from work before the crushing madness that is black friday and i've worked retail on black friday and it is not remotely cool if you support this filthy capitalist pig habit, you jerks, by the way i'm kind of only kidding bc omg, save our economy please, and i really lost track of my opening sentence as i do, so i'll cut to the short of the long: we have to be thankful for shit. it's kind of a necessary evil, like dentistry for the soul if you will. so i'm gonna lay down some things i'm glad are around in order to keep my karma up to par, and also bc this blog is dreadfully unwritten in. so there.

10 things i'm thankful for this turkey day, not counting getting paid to sleep in and britney spears' new album which you can tell me is crap but tell me you don't want to dance around even a little bit to 'womanizer' and i'll show you a lying liar who tells lies:

1. the jonas brothers
no shut up. i have a REASON: despite the fact that some of their tunes are rather earwormy ('lovebug' is downright precious, shut up i hate myself so hard for admitting it), this trio of brothers who make music for the tween set reassures me that, despite my hanson adoration of yore, i actually *have* grown up in the past ten years. because oh my GOD, are you serious? this is what passes for music now? no wonder kids these days are culturally bankrupt. (i just used the phrase 'kids these days.' I'M NOT EVEN THIRTY OR ANYTHING.) i actually thought about reviewing 'a little bit longer' in real-time on this 'ere blog with a lovely friend of mine, drinking every time we gagged or laughed (unintentionally). but then i realized i had to work the next morning and it'd be hard to do with alcohol poisoning. so that was scrapped. but to get back on track, i feel a bit more secure about my (admittedly shameless) musical tastes. apparently, despite my love for hillary duff, i do have standards. and that's kind of awesome.

2. snarky facebook bitchfights
so lately my friends have taken to slapping each other around on facebook over silly things like movie quotes and then it escalates into claims of racism and hearty rounds of fuck-you's. it annoys the bejezus out of me (if i had any bejezus in me to begin with, that is...i'm agnostic) and i've definitely had to crack the whip of shame to get them to shut the hell up and stop mucking up my internets. but you know what, i've decided to make like a PR team and spin it, because the truth of it is this: these amazing people are seriously the reason i actually get out of bed in the morning. (well that, and i like being gainfully employed.) really. this is a silly way of me saying i'm incredibly thankful for my friends, because unlike family, i chose them, and they have no reason to stick around if they don't have to. and yet they do. sure they call each other dickholes and strangle the peace on a regular basis, but you know what? i need humor and bitchery in my life, and if i can get it by them shouting about tortillas at each other, so be it. i'm saying it now, and i don't use the word often: i love my friends. that is all.

3. the on-notice board
one of the afore-mentioned friends got me a super fabulous colbert report on notice board for my desk at work. what's not to love about space to list things that are pissing you off? it's creativity, it's therapy, and it's dry-erase! basically i'm thankful to have a bitching space that can be proudly displayed but also wiped clean should the need arise. i mean really, you try getting your car eaten by packrats while having a really random and rare disorder (alliteration!) that makes you pee bright blue for a pretty penny and tell me you wouldn't be super thankful for the exquisitely satisfying ability to put the universe on notice. oh that's right. i went there.

4. arizona blue cross blue shield
for their premiums were managable, their co-pays affordable, and their coverage nearly universal, yea verily amen.

5. pixar
did you not see wall-e? no seriously, you didn't? well then GET IT ON DVD DAMMIT. that robot with his bambi eyes and sense of adorable wonder, and stuff? gave me faith in movies again. okay that's a lie, i hadn't really lost it, per se, but dude. come on. what a great story. the end.

6. vodka
well really. does this even need an explanation? i'm lazy, so it's not getting one. the end.

7. sarah palin
no seriously- there's logic behind this one! (unlike her face, OH SNAP) so basically, this fembot from podunk was supposed to be a shot in the arm to crankypants mccain's campaign but her utter batshit insane frippery was more like a shot in the foot and thus sank a ship that might have sailed otherwise. she, in her you-can-heal-the-gays and you betcha idiocy actually propelled a majority of america to get up off its collective ass and exclaim 'um, fuck you very much, i'd like somebody smarter than my special needs child co-running the country, plzkthx.' and lo, we actually got something right and elected the right guy for the job. oh also, the fact that my mother supported the bimbo and her anti-gay stances and had nerve to actually *dance* (no really. i'm not kidding) when prop 8 passed in california, i really couldn't take it anymore and stormed out of the bisexual closet and shut her the fuck up with a dumbfounded, totally shamed expression on her face for nearly a week. so thank you, sarah palin, for being so delightfully medeival. you tested the limits of america's intellectual patience and thus you promoted real change, gosh darnit you sure did. and so, in the words of dana carvey as the reagan oracle, now GET THE FUCK OUT.

8. my exes
i know, i love my theme of being thankful for bullshit. i'm amazing. no really. this is why i'm thankful for the relationships that have gone awry, and no worries, all will remain nameless: though i love them in the time-tempered way you kind of have to no matter how badly it went awry, a few fine people on this earth have tested my patience and my backbone alike for a long, long time. in all combinations with them, it proved an utter clusterbang of dysfunction, i mean we were terrible for each other every time, and it's because of them that i learned what i actually *need* in a relationship, or a friendship, or in a person in general, don't matter from coworker to best friend. basically i'm thankful for them provoking me into growing a spine and building up my bitchy armor of self-confidence (or at least faux-confidence) so that i really don't take any crap. i used to be a pushover and i'm definitely not anymore, and i've learned that this year in particular. so dearests, thank you. no really. i mean that. now stop reading my blog and get some fresh air outdoors.

9. the people in my office
some of us watch trashy vampire shows, a couple of us are writing a musical about the variety pack of characters we have running around the building, there are martini jokes galore and we've named the fax machine. sure it has the potential to be really dull work but everybody beasted out at halloween in awesome costumes and basically the people i work with are comedic gold. they make me enjoy my job. and that's pretty fucking awesome.

10. nanowrimo 2k8
the month of november has taught me many things. namely, writing isn't so hard when you just push yourself to write a little each day (...and okay, no mention of the fact that i've hit a wall with my story and i'm procrastinating by writing in here instead, shut up i didn't tell you that). seriously. i've fought some major tummy bug, stormed out of the closet, watched the nation play host to political history, weaned myself off dairy and caffeine, covered extra ground at work while my boss was out with broken bones, AND nearly finished writing a novel. this comes with much help from a lot of friends who are extremely supportive and in effect my personal cheerleaders, which is totally wicked. but mainly, i'm not gonna lie- it's coming from me, and damn skippy i'm gonna be proud of that. and okay, so it's not a full novel. i'm less than 8,000 words from the 50,000 word 'win', but i know it's going to take at least another 50,000 to finish it. but you know what? 50,000 words in a month fraught with distraction and ground being broken and all that, i found out i actually have bootstraps. how cool is that? downside: i now have no excuse for not being productive. dammit. my own hole. i dug it.

and that's that. hopefully i'll manage to write in here at least one more time before 2008 is out. predictably it'll be my ten best songs of the year post, but this year maybe i'll do what i meant to do last year and also include my favorite albums as well. who knows, time will tell. as for now, i'm off to write more of my novel. because i'm badass and you can say you knew (or read) me when. so, have a fantastic turkey day --or thursday, either is cool-- and remember: advice at the end of self-indulgent blog posts is generally nonsensical so you can feel free to skip it.