Wednesday, November 26, 2008

ten things i'm thankful for

alright y'all: it's thanksgiving. it's the time of year when, as we gorge on tryptophan-rich turkey and crunchy helmet-smashing football on a blessed day off from work before the crushing madness that is black friday and i've worked retail on black friday and it is not remotely cool if you support this filthy capitalist pig habit, you jerks, by the way i'm kind of only kidding bc omg, save our economy please, and i really lost track of my opening sentence as i do, so i'll cut to the short of the long: we have to be thankful for shit. it's kind of a necessary evil, like dentistry for the soul if you will. so i'm gonna lay down some things i'm glad are around in order to keep my karma up to par, and also bc this blog is dreadfully unwritten in. so there.

10 things i'm thankful for this turkey day, not counting getting paid to sleep in and britney spears' new album which you can tell me is crap but tell me you don't want to dance around even a little bit to 'womanizer' and i'll show you a lying liar who tells lies:

1. the jonas brothers
no shut up. i have a REASON: despite the fact that some of their tunes are rather earwormy ('lovebug' is downright precious, shut up i hate myself so hard for admitting it), this trio of brothers who make music for the tween set reassures me that, despite my hanson adoration of yore, i actually *have* grown up in the past ten years. because oh my GOD, are you serious? this is what passes for music now? no wonder kids these days are culturally bankrupt. (i just used the phrase 'kids these days.' I'M NOT EVEN THIRTY OR ANYTHING.) i actually thought about reviewing 'a little bit longer' in real-time on this 'ere blog with a lovely friend of mine, drinking every time we gagged or laughed (unintentionally). but then i realized i had to work the next morning and it'd be hard to do with alcohol poisoning. so that was scrapped. but to get back on track, i feel a bit more secure about my (admittedly shameless) musical tastes. apparently, despite my love for hillary duff, i do have standards. and that's kind of awesome.

2. snarky facebook bitchfights
so lately my friends have taken to slapping each other around on facebook over silly things like movie quotes and then it escalates into claims of racism and hearty rounds of fuck-you's. it annoys the bejezus out of me (if i had any bejezus in me to begin with, that is...i'm agnostic) and i've definitely had to crack the whip of shame to get them to shut the hell up and stop mucking up my internets. but you know what, i've decided to make like a PR team and spin it, because the truth of it is this: these amazing people are seriously the reason i actually get out of bed in the morning. (well that, and i like being gainfully employed.) really. this is a silly way of me saying i'm incredibly thankful for my friends, because unlike family, i chose them, and they have no reason to stick around if they don't have to. and yet they do. sure they call each other dickholes and strangle the peace on a regular basis, but you know what? i need humor and bitchery in my life, and if i can get it by them shouting about tortillas at each other, so be it. i'm saying it now, and i don't use the word often: i love my friends. that is all.

3. the on-notice board
one of the afore-mentioned friends got me a super fabulous colbert report on notice board for my desk at work. what's not to love about space to list things that are pissing you off? it's creativity, it's therapy, and it's dry-erase! basically i'm thankful to have a bitching space that can be proudly displayed but also wiped clean should the need arise. i mean really, you try getting your car eaten by packrats while having a really random and rare disorder (alliteration!) that makes you pee bright blue for a pretty penny and tell me you wouldn't be super thankful for the exquisitely satisfying ability to put the universe on notice. oh that's right. i went there.

4. arizona blue cross blue shield
for their premiums were managable, their co-pays affordable, and their coverage nearly universal, yea verily amen.

5. pixar
did you not see wall-e? no seriously, you didn't? well then GET IT ON DVD DAMMIT. that robot with his bambi eyes and sense of adorable wonder, and stuff? gave me faith in movies again. okay that's a lie, i hadn't really lost it, per se, but dude. come on. what a great story. the end.

6. vodka
well really. does this even need an explanation? i'm lazy, so it's not getting one. the end.

7. sarah palin
no seriously- there's logic behind this one! (unlike her face, OH SNAP) so basically, this fembot from podunk was supposed to be a shot in the arm to crankypants mccain's campaign but her utter batshit insane frippery was more like a shot in the foot and thus sank a ship that might have sailed otherwise. she, in her you-can-heal-the-gays and you betcha idiocy actually propelled a majority of america to get up off its collective ass and exclaim 'um, fuck you very much, i'd like somebody smarter than my special needs child co-running the country, plzkthx.' and lo, we actually got something right and elected the right guy for the job. oh also, the fact that my mother supported the bimbo and her anti-gay stances and had nerve to actually *dance* (no really. i'm not kidding) when prop 8 passed in california, i really couldn't take it anymore and stormed out of the bisexual closet and shut her the fuck up with a dumbfounded, totally shamed expression on her face for nearly a week. so thank you, sarah palin, for being so delightfully medeival. you tested the limits of america's intellectual patience and thus you promoted real change, gosh darnit you sure did. and so, in the words of dana carvey as the reagan oracle, now GET THE FUCK OUT.

8. my exes
i know, i love my theme of being thankful for bullshit. i'm amazing. no really. this is why i'm thankful for the relationships that have gone awry, and no worries, all will remain nameless: though i love them in the time-tempered way you kind of have to no matter how badly it went awry, a few fine people on this earth have tested my patience and my backbone alike for a long, long time. in all combinations with them, it proved an utter clusterbang of dysfunction, i mean we were terrible for each other every time, and it's because of them that i learned what i actually *need* in a relationship, or a friendship, or in a person in general, don't matter from coworker to best friend. basically i'm thankful for them provoking me into growing a spine and building up my bitchy armor of self-confidence (or at least faux-confidence) so that i really don't take any crap. i used to be a pushover and i'm definitely not anymore, and i've learned that this year in particular. so dearests, thank you. no really. i mean that. now stop reading my blog and get some fresh air outdoors.

9. the people in my office
some of us watch trashy vampire shows, a couple of us are writing a musical about the variety pack of characters we have running around the building, there are martini jokes galore and we've named the fax machine. sure it has the potential to be really dull work but everybody beasted out at halloween in awesome costumes and basically the people i work with are comedic gold. they make me enjoy my job. and that's pretty fucking awesome.

10. nanowrimo 2k8
the month of november has taught me many things. namely, writing isn't so hard when you just push yourself to write a little each day (...and okay, no mention of the fact that i've hit a wall with my story and i'm procrastinating by writing in here instead, shut up i didn't tell you that). seriously. i've fought some major tummy bug, stormed out of the closet, watched the nation play host to political history, weaned myself off dairy and caffeine, covered extra ground at work while my boss was out with broken bones, AND nearly finished writing a novel. this comes with much help from a lot of friends who are extremely supportive and in effect my personal cheerleaders, which is totally wicked. but mainly, i'm not gonna lie- it's coming from me, and damn skippy i'm gonna be proud of that. and okay, so it's not a full novel. i'm less than 8,000 words from the 50,000 word 'win', but i know it's going to take at least another 50,000 to finish it. but you know what? 50,000 words in a month fraught with distraction and ground being broken and all that, i found out i actually have bootstraps. how cool is that? downside: i now have no excuse for not being productive. dammit. my own hole. i dug it.

and that's that. hopefully i'll manage to write in here at least one more time before 2008 is out. predictably it'll be my ten best songs of the year post, but this year maybe i'll do what i meant to do last year and also include my favorite albums as well. who knows, time will tell. as for now, i'm off to write more of my novel. because i'm badass and you can say you knew (or read) me when. so, have a fantastic turkey day --or thursday, either is cool-- and remember: advice at the end of self-indulgent blog posts is generally nonsensical so you can feel free to skip it.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

10 things that were supremely magical about chicago

so this last weekend i went to chicago for the first time in my 26 years, and it. was. awesome. because i still consider myself too young and reckless to really care about the fact that i'm racking up some credit card bills that i totally shouldn't, i took it upon myself to accept an invitation from a very good friend of mine and his completely terrific girlfriend for three days of music, beer, sweat and dance parties that can only be described as the one and only lollapalooza. fun was had, to be sure. so much fun, in fact, that as i tried to procure my flight back to the godforsaken desert, the travel fates would not allow said return trip without much, much ado. we're talking torrential rain and traffic whilst driving to the airport, over two hours of plane delays, and a dead car battery upon return to my vehicle in the desert airport garage. so as i sit here and try to extract an extra 100 shiny-new-battery dollars that i don't have out of the paycheck that's smaller than usual because of the work i missed to go on this trip, i will instead remember ten things that were made of win in the windy city. and thus:

ten of the best parts about lollapalooza and chicago in general, not counting the fact that i managed to only lose $7 in the airport slots whilst waiting for my connecting flight in vegas

1. rage against the goddamn machine, flogging molly, and gogol bordello
i'm telling you guys- you haven't lived until you have been asked, nay, *pleaded* with, by zack de la rocha to step back, please, please, please step back or i will cry. the rage set was fanfreakintastic, they pulled out some chestnuts they rarely play (born of a broken man? i can die happy now) and though the sound was kinda shite in the back half of the crowds, it was still amazing. but getting the set stopped multiple times because it's getting too crowded and chastised by a guy most notable for his rousing chant of 'fuck you i won't do what you tell me!' was kind of hilarious. seriously. we literally got bargained with like toddlers- we don't want to cut our set short, but if you guys don't take some steps back, we're going to end early. oh yes we will. we will turn this show around, don't think we won't! comedic gold. also, flogging molly was epic in a hands-clappy, fiddly, drunken irish bastard kind of way, and gogol? there is nothing comparable to really hot girls with bass drums tom-toming their way around stage while a bunch of hopped-up gypsy punks take the piss on american weddings for not having vodka and herring. awesome. suffice to say the music was top-notch. the end.

2. irish car bombs
we learned from our barkeep (who bristled at being called ma'am, even though we accidentally kept doing it) that you can't call them irish car bombs anymore. apparently they're only car bombs. i don't care what you call them, but those things are delicious. yeah i'm not supposed to have beer bc of teh eeeeevil gluten, but screw it. i'm on vacation and we were severely under-drunk by the time our sunday morning stop-in at the bar rolled around. my super good friend, we'll call him gus even though that's not his name, reminded me that just because i drank mine the fastest did not mean i drank it the best. i disagree, mostly because i'm a brat. also, i was drunk by the time we left. mmmm. irish cream. lovesit.

3. my host who bought all the beverages
i realize this is sort of a carry-over from the last item, but you don't go to chicago planning to be sober, do you? not really. you do, however, expect to spend a shitton of cashmonies, so the fact that super gus kept ponying up the green (or plastic, whichever) to keep the girls buzzed at the bars in the city and the tents at the festival and who also provided us with starbies, dunkin and monster to wake our asses up was both chivalrous and terrifically spendy. kudos to you, my lovely friend. kudos indeed. of course, the universe saw that i managed to not spend as much cash as i'd have imagined and shat the dead car battery upon me. goddamn you, universe. fetch me a mai tai.

4. alcohol on the train
okay, now i just sound like a raging alcoholic. but honestly, as a child raised on the metro of dc where eating, drinking, and probably laughing are all banned on the orange line and every other, being able to imbibe soda and especially soda with booze added, openly and proudly, whilst rolling along the tracks was wickedly delicious. oh, and gus' girlfriend, we'll call her lady overalls, created a superb drink for said train trips: mix sugar-free peach fresca with absolut vanilla. seriously. try it. it's quite possibly my new favorite. so to recap: taking the train can be a bitch, but arriving in chicago drunk and ready to run around until you find out it's kind of too hot and muggy to do that? that's the stuff weekends are made for, for sure.

5. random dance parties
lady overalls was quite the dancing queen, and she was not left wanting- around every turn there were tents of turntables and streets full of dancing, bouncing, swirly people rocking out to dj momjeans and other people whose names i've forgotten because let's face it, dj momjeans is probably the best moniker ever. it was a nonstop slap of electronica in the streets, closed off to traffic for the festival and run amok with stoners and hipsters alike, and nary a silent hip in sight. in case you were unaware, dancing makes everything fun. you wish you were there. you've not lived til you've grinded it out at 2 pm in the sun with double-fisted beers while the high-five squad is marching through to the beat of german house-transe-whatevery goodness. trust me. i wouldn't lie. at least, not about that.

6. trent reznor.
this needs no introduction or explanation, save for the uninitiated: trent reznor is fucking hot. no seriously, shut up. he is. i'm pretty sure it's a standard absolute, like how the angles of a triangle have to add up to 180 degrees and there are 24 hours in a day. as such, if you see trent reznor, you get happy in your bits and pieces, no matter what. hence, when you see NIN crash through 'closer', 'hand that feeds', 'discipline' and 'head like a hole', you're gonna have a good, super sexy time. mmm. trent.

...ohai, i'm back. i went to a place. it was a good place. carry on.

7. important ice truck is important
rarely does one see a funnier sight than a truck equipped with two or three personnel guarding it and a siren-song beep alerting everyone to its presence so that you'll jump your sweet skippy out of the way, only to realize after it passes that the truck was carrying ice. yeah. ice. not musicians, not cops, not heat-stroked bodies in an ambulatory capacity, but ice. and not bags of ice either. no no, big brick blocks of ice the size of refrigerators, the kind you'd see in old-timey tales taking place in the 1800's. in short, it was hysterically amusing and by turns perplexing, as we never received any ice in our drinks. i question lollapalooza's methods.

8. random english gropers
it's really not a trip until you have a run-in with a handsy european who gropes your ass in the name of bonding with your friend over sports. i'm pretty sure there's a book in any standard vacation scrapbook for that very thing.

9. really clean port-o-potties
okay so it's not a highlight, per se, but honestly- when was the last time the cleanliness of a toilet without flushing capability was something you actually made note of? exactly.

10. The Hat.
gus had a fabulous chapeau made of i don't know what, but it was delightfully pork-pie in nature and totally goofy. it was like a fourth companion, and i told him i was going to make note of it but i don't think he believed me. the fact that it commanded double-takes from the straights and hats off (no pun, i swear) from the hipsters proves: The Hat, it is a force. one to be reckoned with. plus lady overalls looked precious in it and it prevented much sunburn, yea verily. and that's really the name of the 3-days-in-the-sun game, isn't it? yes. yes it is.

and those are the haps, my friends, and by haps i mean the highlights or at least things that amused me the most over the course of the lollexperience. this is, of course, neglecting to mention the overall aura that is the magic of a three-day music festival, what with the smells of sunblock, illicit smokey substances, and brats on a stick, the layers of sweat you have to peel off at the end of each day whilst caring for the blisters forming on parts of your feet you didn't even know you had, or the free $25 itunes cards and spin subscrips we got just for putting our pretty little heads into the park; there was of course the city skyline shining during the day and glowing at night, adorable children with mohawks jamming to electronica in their strollers, $6 cups of crappy wine, the freedom to roam and loaf and dance and spin under trees, through fountains and around the fields whenever and wherever, and doing so instead of being at work...ah, twas glory my friends. pure glory. let it never be forgotten. especially not when the credit card bill comes.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

10 songs i'm into at the moment

yeah i know, i keep coming back to music more than, say, books or palpable news items or what have you and i recognize that it's a bit tired. to which i say bite me. it's my blog, not yours, bitchez. anyhoo, i realize i haven't updated this thing in half of forever lately, and well, i'd apologize but that's not my style. i embrace my laze. plus it's summer in the desert, and it's by far too hot to do anything remotely productive (ie: thinking of general post ideas). so instead i'm staying in my air conditioned cave (cave with windows, go figure) and listening to a lot of tunes and now i'm going to share some. if you want to take a listen, i've stitched these ten little ditties together into one 40-minute mini-mix of sorts, and you can download it here. because i love you and also, what's the point of loving music if not to share, yes? duh. anyway.

ten songs i'm listening to a lot lately, which is saying something bc you'd think i'd be boning up on the folks playing at lollapalooza in t-minus three weeks (admit it, you're jealous) but no, i'm listening to these instead. la di da.

1. just --mark ronson

jazz interpretation of a radiohead song? yes please. i heard this in chipotle of all places the other day, and fell in love with it over my chicken guac bowl. covers of radiohead are scattered about the interwebs like as many an easter egg, and while some fail, others are quite interesting at the very least (sia's cover of 'paranoid andrdoid' comes to mind). this is probably my favorite so far. dancing to radiohead? who'd have thunk it.

2. modern guilt --beck
in the words of a good friend of mine, 'hey, i hear beck's depressed again! but not country depressed.' which is to say, his new album is no sea change or mutations (arguably some of his best, mutations being my absolute favorite) but it definitely doesn't leave me cold like 'information'. i think the title track is a decent interpretation of the album as a whole- a bit of bounce, but a bit of melancholy too. and bloops and beeps. because it's beck, obvs.

3. morningside --sara bareilles
it's no secret i'm a sucker for a girl with a piano, so naturally sara bareilles will make a cameo. she's the girl behind that oh-so-earwormy 'love song', which i do adore. this song here is more of her bouncy, slightly cynical but still fun piano pop. good times.

4. fight with tools --flobots
another very good friend of mine says he predicts 'big things for the flobots.' i was hesitant to agree, but after actually listening to 'handlebars' when it came up on the radio (do yourself a favor and listen to it as's rather a genius testament to how much power can corrupt), i had to fetch the album. i'm going to side with aforementioned good friend of mine and say the flobots are going to be amazing, given time. rock hybrid with hip hop featuring a girl on the viola? check. message? check. addictive album? double check. i threw the title track into this mix because i think it showcases everything about them that makes me love them, down to the phrase 'rich get ricocheted'. awesome.

5. black and gold --sam sparro
i really can't figure out if this is supposed to be a song about the love of your life, or god, or maybe even a cheeseburger. who knows. but it's rather well crafted and just a good slice of electronica.

6. fingerprints --katy perry
okay. i know people love to hate on katy perry, and yes, she's very standard pop. no boundaries being broken, but i don't care. sometimes music doesn't have to break new ground. sometimes it's just as much fun when someone finds their niche and fills it exquisitely. i love a fair few tracks on her album, but i chose this one because let's face it, we've all heard 'ur so gay' and 'i kissed a girl' ad nauseum and this track is just a good solid pop song about that classic quarter-life crisis.

7. chocolate --paranoid social club
this band is hilariously awesome. the best way i could describe them is a fusion of hip pop, skater rock, drinking anthems and stoner chill mixed with some waltzy melody and a wicked sense of humor. this song is an ode to wanting a 'chocolate-covered girlfriend', or rather, the age-old white boy lusts after black girl and black girl is all srsly dude plz and the guy's all cmon gimme a try and the girl's all whatev and then there's dancing. it's adorably crass and sweet at the same time, and the line 'white boy take your skateboard and go find something else to grind' amuses me every time. plus it's danceable. what more do you want dammit?

8. astronaut --priscilla ahn
oh, priscilla ahn. you are lovely. this girl makes sweet, gentle pop tunes full of comfort and guitar. her voice is plush and unassuming, and her music is just beautiful. her entire album, 'a good day' is pure sweet goodness, and this is one of my favorite atmospheric songs from it. i really can't help but wish this girl much, much success. she's not going to blow anybody's world away, but she just makes me smile. i could listen to her whole album on repeat for hours.

9. butterfly --jason mraz
okay. not gonna lie. i have a wicked soft spot for mr mraz, possibly because he's from my home state (go virginia, woo. yeah i know, nobody else is cheering, but i don't care), or possibly because his first album was so damn infectious. he's not yet recaptured the summery breeze that was 'waiting for my rocket to come', but his new album is pretty damn good. coming from that, this is a perfectly danceable jazzy tune about, well, a girl's 'butterfly.' naughty but not obscene. and good summer music so far as i'm concerned, and since i'm running this ship, i don't have to answer to anybody else do i? unless this is a ship on the water, then i'll have to answer to the sea. but it's not so i don't. or something. nevermind.

10. distant dreamer --duffy
i think it's been established by now that i'm a sucker for sweeping songs, lyrics about getting 'out of here' or 'away from here', or anything that involves orchestra. plus duffy is so freaking adorable. she's a little pint-sized 24-year old welsh (i think?) singer who's doing neo-soul some good after the trainwreck that is la winehouse has turned into a drunken spectacle of disease and not song. her voice is distinctive, light but strong, and really her whole album is amazing. this song is just spectacular in my opinion though. cheesy, sure, but who doesn't love cheese? hell i'm lactose intolerant and i still adore it. so there. *bangs gavel*

and that's that. if you somehow missed it, you can find all these little songs mushed together here, and hopefully kill 40 minutes with some new tunes. i'll probably do this again next week, because if i am prone to do anything, it's babble about songs. it's something to do in lieu of actually writing them. because i'm a major dork. but you knew that. okay. i'm ending this now.

Friday, June 06, 2008

ten things i adore at the moment

ohai, readers! how've you two or three been? i realize i have not written in this cobwebby corner of the internets in what, like, a quarter of a year, and for that i apologize. i'm made of fail. well actually to be precise, i'm rather a concoction that is one part fail, one part ADD, and one part vodka, all strained through writer's block. serve caffeinated, with a silly straw.

right, anyway. so this is just a quick list tonight to get myself back on the ball, disregarding the fact that one of course cannot get on a ball without falling off bc hello, pivot points and roundish things and gravity being the law and all that. anyhoo, this is a blog and what is a blog if not your place for shameless pondering about crap nobody else cares about? exactly. so in that spirit, i'll get to the me me me-ness of it all: it's safe to say that my life is as it always is- neither here nor there. flux and steps forward and back and lack of direction and loftiest of expectations and all that nonsense have left me feeling a bit...well...blah lately. i know. however many thousands of dollars for an english degree and i can sum up my life four years after achieving said degree with a succinct 'blah.' they're going to repossess the frame on my wall tomorrow, and its contents as well. i can feel it.

aaaaaaanyway, i was taking stock of my life whilst washing the dinner dishes earlier and i had to tell myself that while things may be kind of sucky lately, life does not throw a cloud at you without one of those irritably shiny silver lining things attached. and you know what i love? silver things. and shiny things. and glitter. and things that glow. and stars. and also? these ten things, for what is a life full of ups and downs without a few solid, toothy surprises that warm your evil belly every now and again? exactly. and so i present to thee, interwebs:

ten things i'm adoring at the moment, with links where applicable so you can join in on the fun if you're into that thing, and if you're not, then generally speaking you're in the right place bc this blog is in the business of snark but just this once i'm bucking the trend and going all HAPPY POD PERSON, OH MY GOD, THE HUGH MANATEE!

1. 'let's dance to joy division' by the wombats
this is a free song available on itunes this week. go get it before you have to pay 99 pennies. it's glorious. what's not to like about british boys bouncing around the room in what is the sonic equivalent of dancing in your skivvies with a wooden spoon or hairbrush for a microphone? you may be wearing embarassing socks and have your hair sculped into prime bedhead formation if you'd like. for the record, joy division makes me want to drown myself or the nearest victim in tartar sauce, but this song is effing awesome. it's especially fun to chairdance to at work and collect weird looks from the passers by. squares! oh yeah that's right. i said it. oh and for the record? wombats are kick ass. the animals, i mean.

2. the new mountain dew flavors
i'm not going to pretend i remember the names or the flavors or anything (but these guys do, so take a gander if you must be informed), but by jove or joe or jobe or gum or whatever your by ____ preference, how much fun is it to find three new glories sitting side by icy side in the 7-11 soda fridges? it is a bounty of blue 5 and red lake 40 and carbonation and caffeine and artificial berry flavors, my friends. it is pure bubbly strange-fruit bliss. added bonus, three bottles should be able to power you through your work day, whether it be at the law firm or the guy who's helping to build the median and fuck up the traffic with cones and jackhammer chatter right in front of said office, like, could you please maybe NOT put that cone there, i want to turn into my parking lot and oh my god do you mean i have to loop two blocks around to turn around and come to my building from the other way? WHAT?! oh my god, there's too much caffeine in this beverage. and it's delightful. oh and plus you can go visit the land o' dewmocracy to vote for your favorite. let's face it- now that the primaries are over (can i get an amen, even from the flying spaghetti monster contingent? cmon. even you guys are thinking it. don't lie. i weave these words like a polygraph son.) (okay that made no sense. apologies. blame the caffeine.) (mmmmmm fake berry flavor) (PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME) (oh the heart palpitations) (and the unending parenthetical thoughts!) and american idol is cooling its cowellian jets til next season, you can vote for what *really* matters. namely, the next beverage to give the hearts of america's youth its very first fruit roll-up-flavored hemmorage. yay! democracy! give thanks. some people only get the green flavor.

3. precious friends of mine
one of whom called not long ago to ask 'what is cream of tartar, and where do i find it in the store? i know it's not the same as tartar sauce, but...' and that's really all there is to that. she's a gem. if your friends can't give you a grin then you've clearly got to get new friends. no really. true story.

::super edit action!::

another super awesome friend of mine pointed me in the direction of the video for weezer's 'pork and beans'. suffice to say it is a time-capsule of amazing, a conglomerate of viral fame and completely nonsensical. it will make no sense in months or years. but right now it's totally fucking boss, because it's the now that's the most fun anyway. and so i give you:


4. this biker picture
in case this fire and brimstone stuff turns out to be the real deal (though i'm on the side of carbon dating and dinosaurs, truth be told), then i'm definitely going to hell. and if i'm already going, then i'm not going to feel bad by posting this and saying i nearly cramped a stitch in my stomach laughing, and no i was not drunk or stoned at the time. the laughter was just that spontaneous and evil:

i questions are so-many fold. who is standing by taking pictures of such rampant stupidity? who was so dull-witted behind the wheel that they couldn't give 10 bikers 50 feet? and who in their right mind is out on a bike in the southwestern summer anyway? i'd ask these questions but i'm still howling at the bikes and handlebars and helmets flying every which way into what can only be an eventual pavement omelet. hell. going there. got my reservation already. i hear the continental breakfast is the suck, but it's hell so what were you expecting? by the way, if you want the actual story behind said crash-and-burn hilarity, click here. you're welcome.

5. the fail blog
i make no lies- destruction is hilarious. people falling cracks me up. someone getting smacked in the junk is a riot. the fail blog captures that and everything else imaginable, be it people or objects, doing what they were destined to do: fail miserably for the humorous sake of the cushy online onlooker. boats, cows, bird poop, toll booths, security guards-- nothing is safe or sacred, everything is destined to faceplant, and every entry in this glorious ode to the art of error is guaranteed to make you snort your beverage. i'm thinking of submitting the above biker picture to be honest. i meant it when i said i'm going to hypothetical hell.

6. the 'things younger than mccain' blog
if this masterpiece of factoids and rampant sense-making doesn't make sure you at least *consider* not voting in our potential oldest and blandest president to date (i'm in arizona, i can mock him. seriously. i blame half the sun problems on him. GET US A DOME.), it will at least make you laugh. and probably hungry, as delicious food products get relatively frequent mentions, alongside gloriously random facts. and sometimes there are family guy clips. get on it. it's a blog for the ages.

7. iron man
this doesn't even need an explanation, but i'll do it in a simple list-within-a-list:
a) robert downey jr being hot and smart and effortlessly badass and hot again
b) faceplants and sassy robots
c) the most amazing gadgetry this side of any universe ever, like, suck it aliens
d) the dude does not abide, for he is the villain.

the end.

8. hagen dasz coconut sorbet
being a fat kid who is a recently diagnosed celiac who also has to eat dairy-free, i'm having the biggest devil of a time living without gluten and milk. seriously. you never know how hard you're going to miss wheat and its elastic materials (see: everything with flour in it) and milk and its brethren (read: everything *else* if it doesn't have flour in it) until you can't eat it, because IT IS SERIOUSLY IN EVERYTHING. BUT. hagen dasz came to my rescue, for they make a delicious sorbet out of coconut and sugar and ice and magic that allows me to enjoy dessert with the other kids on the culinary playground. plus it's relatively healthy as hagen dasz goes- less than 200 calories per serving, wrapped up in a dairy-free bow. thank you, sweet gods. for i can still retain my fatty status without sacrificing sugar. hooray!

9. the primaries are goddamn OVER.
yeah so i'm an obama girl. no lie. but whoever you were (or are) pulling for, can we just seriously relish the fact that the primaries are oh vee eee arrrrr ? yes. yes we can. i'm equating this to the 2004 alcs- the primaries were the *real* race. the red sox coming from behind to swarm the yankees was amazing to see. once they won the whole thing it was rather a denoumont. (that's fancy-speak for 'kind of a let down, y'all.) so whoever wins the *actual* election, the primaries was the fight to watch. granted it got about ten dozen kinds of nasty between the two who were dancing nearly identical moves around the issue floor, but in the end i think it came down to a nation unable to deal with the old. in with the new. or mabye people really *are* willing to vote for a black dude over a white lady, who knows. i'm no pundit or sense-maker. i'm just glad that thing one and thing two aren't going to be doing battle against each other anymore. i mean i know democrats do party splintering like nobody else, but for real- can we just not elect mccain and get it over with? thanks.

10. 'splenetic'
this was the word of the day on tuesday in my word-a-day calendar of greatness, and it did provide much phonetic fun. for starters, it starts with a good 'spl' noise, which is joyous. it's the first half of 'splat', which is *so* satisfying to say. cmon. i dare you not to form that bit with your mouth and not grin. it is intrinsically pleasing. and then the 'etic' at the end makes it sound all fancy and intellectual. it's an orgy of syllables and cushy sounds that are both mean and bouncy at the same time, so at this point the word's meaning is irrelevant, but the language mavens of old took it up a notch and gave it a great definition: it means spiteful, you guys. of ill humor, mean-spirited, and spiteful. that's my language. this right here is why i have such a love affair with words. you wade through many that drive you up a tree, but when you find the one that encapsulates your being in such a comfortable mush of sounds and letters, you love it and cherish it and pet it and marry it if states will overcome both gay marriage *and* word marriage. but that's a bit too progressive for this era, i'm afraid. shame. i shall write said era a splenetic letter. badumching!

and that's that. i know. this veered, and i am weird. plus i rhyme when i don't really mean to. i'd seek help, but i've got laundry to do. have a great weekend y'all! coming next: i'm going to challenge myself to write an entry every day for a week. we'll see how this goes. ten reasons i'll most likely fail at it? you just read my mind. cut that shit out.

Monday, March 03, 2008

from the mixed-files of excusey mcwhinerson

christ on a crutch with bastard sauce people, okay, i WILL update. but you try living between two sets of dumbshit neighbors, one with parrots that think kelly clarkson karaoke is a good thing to try at 2 am, and another who recently brought the spawn of kujo and chewbacca into their home, and tell me you don't spend your fractured waking hours plotting ways to do away with anything noah might have carried on his goddamn ark.

actually not really. i love animals. seriously. and i'm not a burgeoning psychopath or anything...i really just wanted to bitch about my fucking neighbors and how they're to blame for my lack of creativity. well that, and i'm out of coffee. and my soul hurts.

...and i'm lazy. fine. i'm a lazy, lazy fatass. and i'm also working on another blog with my boss, though she has yet to contribute. so um. yeah. fine i promise i'll update tonight.

and by update i mean think about things to write here. and by tonight i mean sometime. possibly. you know you love me. *air kisses*