Friday, June 06, 2008

ten things i adore at the moment

ohai, readers! how've you two or three been? i realize i have not written in this cobwebby corner of the internets in what, like, a quarter of a year, and for that i apologize. i'm made of fail. well actually to be precise, i'm rather a concoction that is one part fail, one part ADD, and one part vodka, all strained through writer's block. serve caffeinated, with a silly straw.

right, anyway. so this is just a quick list tonight to get myself back on the ball, disregarding the fact that one of course cannot get on a ball without falling off bc hello, pivot points and roundish things and gravity being the law and all that. anyhoo, this is a blog and what is a blog if not your place for shameless pondering about crap nobody else cares about? exactly. so in that spirit, i'll get to the me me me-ness of it all: it's safe to say that my life is as it always is- neither here nor there. flux and steps forward and back and lack of direction and loftiest of expectations and all that nonsense have left me feeling a bit...well...blah lately. i know. however many thousands of dollars for an english degree and i can sum up my life four years after achieving said degree with a succinct 'blah.' they're going to repossess the frame on my wall tomorrow, and its contents as well. i can feel it.

aaaaaaanyway, i was taking stock of my life whilst washing the dinner dishes earlier and i had to tell myself that while things may be kind of sucky lately, life does not throw a cloud at you without one of those irritably shiny silver lining things attached. and you know what i love? silver things. and shiny things. and glitter. and things that glow. and stars. and also? these ten things, for what is a life full of ups and downs without a few solid, toothy surprises that warm your evil belly every now and again? exactly. and so i present to thee, interwebs:

ten things i'm adoring at the moment, with links where applicable so you can join in on the fun if you're into that thing, and if you're not, then generally speaking you're in the right place bc this blog is in the business of snark but just this once i'm bucking the trend and going all HAPPY POD PERSON, OH MY GOD, THE HUGH MANATEE!

1. 'let's dance to joy division' by the wombats
this is a free song available on itunes this week. go get it before you have to pay 99 pennies. it's glorious. what's not to like about british boys bouncing around the room in what is the sonic equivalent of dancing in your skivvies with a wooden spoon or hairbrush for a microphone? you may be wearing embarassing socks and have your hair sculped into prime bedhead formation if you'd like. for the record, joy division makes me want to drown myself or the nearest victim in tartar sauce, but this song is effing awesome. it's especially fun to chairdance to at work and collect weird looks from the passers by. squares! oh yeah that's right. i said it. oh and for the record? wombats are kick ass. the animals, i mean.

2. the new mountain dew flavors
i'm not going to pretend i remember the names or the flavors or anything (but these guys do, so take a gander if you must be informed), but by jove or joe or jobe or gum or whatever your by ____ preference, how much fun is it to find three new glories sitting side by icy side in the 7-11 soda fridges? it is a bounty of blue 5 and red lake 40 and carbonation and caffeine and artificial berry flavors, my friends. it is pure bubbly strange-fruit bliss. added bonus, three bottles should be able to power you through your work day, whether it be at the law firm or the guy who's helping to build the median and fuck up the traffic with cones and jackhammer chatter right in front of said office, like, could you please maybe NOT put that cone there, i want to turn into my parking lot and oh my god do you mean i have to loop two blocks around to turn around and come to my building from the other way? WHAT?! oh my god, there's too much caffeine in this beverage. and it's delightful. oh and plus you can go visit the land o' dewmocracy to vote for your favorite. let's face it- now that the primaries are over (can i get an amen, even from the flying spaghetti monster contingent? cmon. even you guys are thinking it. don't lie. i weave these words like a polygraph son.) (okay that made no sense. apologies. blame the caffeine.) (mmmmmm fake berry flavor) (PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME) (oh the heart palpitations) (and the unending parenthetical thoughts!) and american idol is cooling its cowellian jets til next season, you can vote for what *really* matters. namely, the next beverage to give the hearts of america's youth its very first fruit roll-up-flavored hemmorage. yay! democracy! give thanks. some people only get the green flavor.

3. precious friends of mine
one of whom called not long ago to ask 'what is cream of tartar, and where do i find it in the store? i know it's not the same as tartar sauce, but...' and that's really all there is to that. she's a gem. if your friends can't give you a grin then you've clearly got to get new friends. no really. true story.

::super edit action!::

another super awesome friend of mine pointed me in the direction of the video for weezer's 'pork and beans'. suffice to say it is a time-capsule of amazing, a conglomerate of viral fame and completely nonsensical. it will make no sense in months or years. but right now it's totally fucking boss, because it's the now that's the most fun anyway. and so i give you:



...magic.

4. this biker picture
in case this fire and brimstone stuff turns out to be the real deal (though i'm on the side of carbon dating and dinosaurs, truth be told), then i'm definitely going to hell. and if i'm already going, then i'm not going to feel bad by posting this and saying i nearly cramped a stitch in my stomach laughing, and no i was not drunk or stoned at the time. the laughter was just that spontaneous and evil:




i mean...my questions are so-many fold. who is standing by taking pictures of such rampant stupidity? who was so dull-witted behind the wheel that they couldn't give 10 bikers 50 feet? and who in their right mind is out on a bike in the southwestern summer anyway? i'd ask these questions but i'm still howling at the bikes and handlebars and helmets flying every which way into what can only be an eventual pavement omelet. hell. going there. got my reservation already. i hear the continental breakfast is the suck, but it's hell so what were you expecting? by the way, if you want the actual story behind said crash-and-burn hilarity, click here. you're welcome.

5. the fail blog
i make no lies- destruction is hilarious. people falling cracks me up. someone getting smacked in the junk is a riot. the fail blog captures that and everything else imaginable, be it people or objects, doing what they were destined to do: fail miserably for the humorous sake of the cushy online onlooker. boats, cows, bird poop, toll booths, security guards-- nothing is safe or sacred, everything is destined to faceplant, and every entry in this glorious ode to the art of error is guaranteed to make you snort your beverage. i'm thinking of submitting the above biker picture to be honest. i meant it when i said i'm going to hypothetical hell.


6. the 'things younger than mccain' blog
if this masterpiece of factoids and rampant sense-making doesn't make sure you at least *consider* not voting in our potential oldest and blandest president to date (i'm in arizona, i can mock him. seriously. i blame half the sun problems on him. GET US A DOME.), it will at least make you laugh. and probably hungry, as delicious food products get relatively frequent mentions, alongside gloriously random facts. and sometimes there are family guy clips. get on it. it's a blog for the ages.

7. iron man
this doesn't even need an explanation, but i'll do it in a simple list-within-a-list:
a) robert downey jr being hot and smart and effortlessly badass and hot again
b) faceplants and sassy robots
c) the most amazing gadgetry this side of any universe ever, like, suck it aliens
d) the dude does not abide, for he is the villain.

the end.

8. hagen dasz coconut sorbet
being a fat kid who is a recently diagnosed celiac who also has to eat dairy-free, i'm having the biggest devil of a time living without gluten and milk. seriously. you never know how hard you're going to miss wheat and its elastic materials (see: everything with flour in it) and milk and its brethren (read: everything *else* if it doesn't have flour in it) until you can't eat it, because IT IS SERIOUSLY IN EVERYTHING. BUT. hagen dasz came to my rescue, for they make a delicious sorbet out of coconut and sugar and ice and magic that allows me to enjoy dessert with the other kids on the culinary playground. plus it's relatively healthy as hagen dasz goes- less than 200 calories per serving, wrapped up in a dairy-free bow. thank you, sweet gods. for i can still retain my fatty status without sacrificing sugar. hooray!

9. the primaries are goddamn OVER.
yeah so i'm an obama girl. no lie. but whoever you were (or are) pulling for, can we just seriously relish the fact that the primaries are oh vee eee arrrrr ? yes. yes we can. i'm equating this to the 2004 alcs- the primaries were the *real* race. the red sox coming from behind to swarm the yankees was amazing to see. once they won the whole thing it was rather a denoumont. (that's fancy-speak for 'kind of a let down, y'all.) so whoever wins the *actual* election, the primaries was the fight to watch. granted it got about ten dozen kinds of nasty between the two who were dancing nearly identical moves around the issue floor, but in the end i think it came down to a nation unable to deal with the old. in with the new. or mabye people really *are* willing to vote for a black dude over a white lady, who knows. i'm no pundit or sense-maker. i'm just glad that thing one and thing two aren't going to be doing battle against each other anymore. i mean i know democrats do party splintering like nobody else, but for real- can we just not elect mccain and get it over with? thanks.

10. 'splenetic'
this was the word of the day on tuesday in my word-a-day calendar of greatness, and it did provide much phonetic fun. for starters, it starts with a good 'spl' noise, which is joyous. it's the first half of 'splat', which is *so* satisfying to say. cmon. i dare you not to form that bit with your mouth and not grin. it is intrinsically pleasing. and then the 'etic' at the end makes it sound all fancy and intellectual. it's an orgy of syllables and cushy sounds that are both mean and bouncy at the same time, so at this point the word's meaning is irrelevant, but the language mavens of old took it up a notch and gave it a great definition: it means spiteful, you guys. of ill humor, mean-spirited, and spiteful. that's my language. this right here is why i have such a love affair with words. you wade through many that drive you up a tree, but when you find the one that encapsulates your being in such a comfortable mush of sounds and letters, you love it and cherish it and pet it and marry it if states will overcome both gay marriage *and* word marriage. but that's a bit too progressive for this era, i'm afraid. shame. i shall write said era a splenetic letter. badumching!


and that's that. i know. this veered, and i am weird. plus i rhyme when i don't really mean to. i'd seek help, but i've got laundry to do. have a great weekend y'all! coming next: i'm going to challenge myself to write an entry every day for a week. we'll see how this goes. ten reasons i'll most likely fail at it? you just read my mind. cut that shit out.

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