Sunday, June 28, 2009

regularly-scheduled quarterly 'i'm not dead' post, and also, final twilight bitchfest

okay, yeah. i know i said i was going to update this thing more often but honestly that's your own damn fault if you believed me. so, suck it. anyhoo, it comes to mind that i never fully shared my thoughts with all two or three of you about the final brain-hemorrhaging brick-of-a-book in the twilight series, because what fun is slogging through the first three if i'm not going to explode with written word-induced agony in the finale? and so i will. so there. now i present, chock-full-o-spoilers but at this point i really hope you don't have any vested interest in the plot:

b reviews 'breaking dawn,' wherein she wishes said dawn would break stephenie meyer's legs or something to make her just shut up shut up shut UP

alright stephenie meyer, sack up. look at me. LOOK AT ME. look and listen, you cerebellum-crushing trollop, for i have had it up to HERE with you, and i'm 5'10" so that's a lot of here to have. you and me? we are so over. sure, i came into this relationship knowing you've been around and i didn't matter at all in the grand scheme of your literary hobaggin'. i mean if the library bookshelves were a town, you would totally be its bicycle. by which i mean slut. by which i mean every single tweenage to thirty-something woman in as many countries as is allowable has gobbled your goods and demanded more and you've primped and preened on your throne, typos, flimsy characters and plot holes be damned. what i'm trying to say is you are a hoor and you totally don't care about my opinion because you have made eleventy billion dollars off your sparkly franchise, but i've got news for you, lady: i am not enthralled. that's right. i'm leaving. nevermind the fact that you hoodwinked me and i gave you the best weeks of my life slaving through these books for you, it shall be NO MORE.

seriously, woman. have you no shame? no honor? no thesaurus? the only way i could stand to read these things was to pirate the audiobook format and listen to them at work so that i was at least getting *paid* to have my brain systematically siphoned out of my head, bit by squishy bit. i gagged through twilight. i bitched through new moon. i even facepalmed through eclipse. and then came the finale of breaking dawn, wherein i hit the brick wall like a crash test dummy at a car plant that's no longer in service because this economy sucks so really, stop hoarding your shiny vampire money and give something to charity or whatever because you're a twit and i hate your books and there are people who need houses and things like that.

ANYWAY, i just...words have failed me. i think the only person who can save me is the dramallama herself. here we go bella, take it away.

zomg hi guys it's bella. don't pull a jake and freak on me here, i'm just surrounding my story in squiggly sideways words to act as a ~shield~ to protect myself from outside sources who just don't understand. i'll ttly explain later k? k.

so anyway, my luv edward is gonna marry me, right? and to protect me before he does, he got me this super expensive sports car that is really boss but i hate it because it's amazing and a symbol of his protection over me and i hate amazing things except for edward's face because it's so amazing and i haven't mentioned its amazing contours and cheekbones and sparkles in awhile, but it's totally awesome. but this car is stupid and i hate it, and my wedding dress is beautiful and alice totally barbie-dolls me and my mom and dad are totally down with me getting married which is weird, considering they were totally against me doing stupid things a few books ago but whatevs. so i get married and i'm gorgeous and i *hate* it and eddie has to drag me to dance because ugh, who wants to look happy and have a good time on the happiest day of her life, am i right? then jake shows back up from running around canada as a wolf after i told him i was marrying the vampire and he goes all dramarama at my fricking wedding and like tries to kill my husband, or something. idk. whatev. so eddie and i are finally hubby wifey and we jetset off to this island of perfection and i hate it because it's so perfect and there's french lingerie in my luggage and i'm going to KILL ALICE for packing this stuff because the *last* thing i need on my honeymoon in tropical paradise with my hot as holy fudge boyfriend is SEXUAL NEGLIGES. jeez. i am totally shielding you from this part because our secks life is not for your eyes, mortals. gtfo.

sooooo then i totally conceive a vampire child and i'm not sure but i think the convo kinda went, 'hey edward, remember how i've never wanted kids ever at all in the 1500 pages of these books and gave up the idea of having them to be with you?' and he's all 'yeah what of it' and i'm all 'well i think i'm pregnant with one' and he's all 'are you shitting me' and i'm all 'did you just use a curse word?' and he goes 'sorry you just said you're pregnant with a demonseed' and i'm like 'well glory be it's not MY fault you didn't use a condom' and he's all 'yeah vampires aren't allergic to sunlight or garlic but holy frig we hate latex, it's awful' and i had to snap my fingers a bit and be like, 'FOCUS, GUY, this is about a kid and not your p33n,' so he's all 'shit, i guess i'd better call my dad so we can get that thing extracted from you because a vampire baby is the culmination of all evil, like, way to go with your human uterus that can apparently foster my devilsperm' and i'm all 'but i love my baby thing' and he's like 'are you for sure' and i'm like 'totally' and he goes 'oh jesus christ okay fine the honeymoon's over let's go home' and so we do. ~*~*~*~shieldshieldshieldshield~*~*~*~

uh, okay. hi. jacob black here. a third of this story is mine, so, i'll just go over the basics: i love bella and i run around a lot breaking my pants when i turn into a wolf because i am angsty. i'm totally ready to kill the cullen family for turning bella into a vampire and i want to wage war on them when my pack doesn't want to and then they say they're going to kill her and her demonbaby thing and i'm all woah now hold up ain't nobody killing my woman and werewolves are SO ANNOYING when they remind you that she's not your woman so i'm like screw you guys, i'm going home. and due to some mumbo jumbo blibbety blobbity bloop i can create my own pack because i'm a werewolf ninja zenmaster, and i decide to warn the cullens and edward says the baby is going to kill bella and could i please have sex with her to give her wolf cub babies so she doesn't die. neither of us seem to glom onto the fact that the woman we love is a complete and total batshit moron. i ask why they don't just feed the baby blood, because duh, and somehow, this whole clan of vampires INCLUDING A DOCTOR missed that point. so bella, who way back when freaked out at the mere smell of blood in biology, starts drinking gallons of blood like kool-aid and all is well and good and then when we're unsupervised she knocks over a cup because her klutziness is what moves the plot forward nine times out of ten, and she kicks the baby into labor or something and starts dying and then edward and i have to play like it's a game of operation which sucks because i hated that game and always lost the pieces. yadda yadda baby breaks her ribs and spine, edward tears into her stomach with his teeth, veins popping everywhere, eyes glazing over, terrorizing vampire child that bites its mothers neck and gets named motherfuck RENESEMEE, because it's just stupid enough to fit, blah blah blah, edward bites her, i must kill the child that has killed the love of my life and it has bella's eyes and oh my god i'm in love with it and i've imprinted on nessie the monsterbaby and bella's probably gonna kill me but i don't care because she's busy at the moment so whatever.

hi guys it's bella again. i thought i'd check in while i'm lying on this table in the most agonizing pain EVER, EVER EVER EVER EVER but remind me not to move or make a sound because it might upset edward who has agreed to damn me to heck or make me pretty and an eternal vampire, or whatever it is. anyway, he's all having existential crises over turning me or whatever but hello, um, OW this hurts. burn burn burn, pain pain pain, burn and pain and burn and pain and burn and pain for like 50 pages or something and then time slowed and the world revealed itself to me and i opened my eyes and the lights in which my retinas bathed were the sharpest of crystalline definition and my edward was more beautiful than any mortal could recognize, and i did a backflip summersault triple saucow off the table and into some stiletto heals. all of this happened in a fraction of a piece of a second and the world i lived in was full of wonder at my beauty, at my marvel of self-control, and of my blue silk gown in which i went hunting because my rare vampiric gift is that of self-restraint and it turns out i don't have to sacrifice anything as a vampire. i have the wonderful sex with the love of my eternal life and i love my family and i spend time with my father who never questions my strange transformation, my child and my best friend who loves her and will be my son in law but i am angry about that for one eighty-fourth of a nano second because character challenges and obstacles are not becoming to newborn vampires who are supposed to be insatiable monsters craving naught but blood and carniage. all of this happened, mind you, without a single stumble or faceplant. there was some hullabaloo over the vulturi coming to destroy my dear nessie, but my family rounded up some vampires from all corners of the globe to testify that my daughter is not the antichrist, i learned how to activate my mental shield to protect all of us from their vulturi powers, and they went away and nothing happened and we all lived happily ever after, because nothing spells happiness like being a mother to a child named after a sea monster for eternity. ~*~*~shield~*~*~

so in essence, piss off, stephenie meyer. you have toyed with my heart for the last time. BE GONE WITH YE. and in case you were wondering, you only clamped that extra star out of me because a third of the book was from jacob's point of view but that's no compliment because seriously, what the fuck. the end.

...the end.