so i woke up this morning to 'your body is a wonderland' by john mayer on the radio and i thought, wow. what a way to make me hate the planet, 92.9 the mountain. fuck off with your mix of the 80's, 90's, and today with this most dispicable john mayer tripe you call 'music.' oh and by the way? z104.1 was today's hit music in dc, not fucking arizona. the fact that a station of the same name and frequency has fallen so far from the nation's capital and now owns fucking north mexico makes me sad. also? it's a good segue into today's list,
ten sounds that are so fucking obnoxious that you almost envy your great aunt mabel's total deafness
1. that jackass who won’t get a tissue
BLOW YOUR SNOT OUT OF YOUR NOSE YOU PRICK. quit slorking and snerfing it and wiggling your nostrils and coughing and making a spectacle out of the fact that you’ve got a cold. congratulations, i hope it’s avian flu. god i hate you and I hope you choke on that glob of snot in your sleep and die.
2. the coughing guy
this jerk probably sits in the cubicle next to the tissue-inept jackass, or maybe carpools with him, because he’s caught the cold but one-ups the whole thing: instead of a sniffle, we get hacks-- great big phlegmy gunk rockets battering his esophagus and occasionally sending spiffles of goo into the atmosphere of your office, possibly landing on your in/out tray or splattering your monitor. and yet this douchebag refuses your offers of dayquil or a punch in the face, nay, he says he's 'just got some allergies.' next time he gets up to pee (because this jerk totally gets up every 20 minutes to pee, fill his coffee mug, and snot all over the water cooler) cover his chair with crisco. (i know you keep some in your desk for times such as these, don't lie.) it won't solve the coughing, but when his rotund shape (he's always a bit hefty) slides from the seat to the floor and gives him a sprained tailbone and a trip home for the day, at least it'll be a bit quieter in your left ear.
no, shut up- seriously. she says her hips don’t lie, but oh god how they sure as fuck mislead and entire planet into listening to purported 'singing'. she’s sexy, yes. i’ll give her that. definitely poetic, if she’s not translating into english anyway. but uh, has anyone informed her that the vocal chords she’s yodeling through sound like a hose lined with the souls of a thousand beheaded geese? it's nasal to make a frenchman with a cold worse than mr coughing jackass above say 'my god, what is zat? eet ees sounding like your grandmuzzer on 'elium.' so, yeah. make it stop.
oh fine shakira sluts, send me hatemail. i don't care. all i'm saying is her videos are much goddamn hotter on mute. and also, on the french thing, you can't send me hatemail about that. i lived there and i used to speak it. bitches. okay fine you can send me mail but that'd require you to send me mail and that's why it won't happen. so basically, we all win.
4. whiny emo singers
basically the difference between human beings and emo tards is this: we pick ourselves up in the morning, they think forgetting to tivo all that rocks on m2 is reason to not change the eyeliner they slathered on last night and lie in bed with their clove cigarettes and molest their guitar. your life is not that hard. so some chick dumped you. that's what she did: dumped you. she did not tear out your fragile glass heart and with the most careless embrace mangle it like her nails were daggers, you dumbshit. good god, grow a set and learn to carry a fucking tune. is it a rule that to sing emo bullshit you have to wear black pencil jeans and sing off key? if i hear you mangle a c-note and whisper about your strangled emotions one more time i will put a cougar in your closet and give you some actual pain to write about. you can thank me later.
5. someone’s saliva swishing around b/c they got too goddamn close to the mic
if i wanted to hear your spit sloshing around against your teeth and feel like you're spittling into my ear canal, i'd put my head right up against your mouth and ask you to tell me secrets. as it is, i haven't asked you, so please recording artists/dj's/podcasters/fuckfaces with mics: distance yourselves. it's fucking disgusting that i can tell you had a hamburger for lunch b/c i just heard an errant bit of sesame seed laced with ketchup hit your back molar. god, stop it before i break your jaw and you won't even be able to open your mouth to get it near a microphone and sing your stupid song about breathysighbreathylove. also, you sound like you might need a mint.
6. george w bush’s bastardization of a giggle
'heh heh. heh...iraq.' upon even imagning the smug waste of breath that is his trademark laugh, i'm pretty sure your blood can boil tea now, yes? good. cause i brought crumpets.
7. when someone leaves the tv on and it goes eeeeee
did anybody else hear about that cell phone ringtone that only teenagers can hear b/c their ears are atuned to hear a very high pitched frequency (read: obnoxiuos as uncle sam on stilts in the 4th of july parade b/c really get out of the way old man, i want to see the hot chicks in bathing suits) that older and younger folks can't hear? well apparently my ears, along with my boobs and social ethics, are stuck in a 15-year old's body and i can hear that damn high-pitched 'screeeeeeeeeeee' and oh my god i will send a yeti to rape you if you insist upon leaving the tv on. why? because not all is silent when the screen goes dark, my friends. no. unless you actually dain to turn to squawkbox off, its screen is still alive and well and buzzing and humming and electrically going 'squeeeeeee' and if you're a child or an adult apparently you don't hear the damage. but i do because despite the fact that i've long since graduated college, my ears have yet to grow the fuck up and stop hearing it. so until that happens, if you forget to turn off the tv and fill the room with that electrical abomination of a 'reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee' i will fillet you seven ways til sunday, which is when we eat fillets of various animal parts. just thought you'd like to know.
8. tone-deaf singers
do i really need to elaborate on this? seriously, nothing ruins weezer or tori or hell even kelly clarkson (i love her and you can send hyenas to rip me limb from limb and i'll still adore her) quite like the cuntface who feels entitled to belt along in a key that not only is totally wrong, but is from so far beyond left field that it would seriously turn your theater voice coach into the hulk. HULK ANGRY. HULK SMASH TONEDEAF TURDGUZZLERS. HULK IS THE COLOR OF GREEN GIANT. HULK AND GREEN GIANT SHOULD JOIN FORCES AND PROMOTE GREEN BEENS THAT ARE NOT TONE DEAF.
9. children crying
oh jesus get a grip on your child and take it out of this public setting you crapmuncher. if your kid is screaming and they're under 2, it probably means they need a nap, they need food and not the shit you're making them eat at this classy restaurant that doesn't even do booster seats so that was probably your first hint right there, or that they've shat their pants. go deal with it. don't ignore it and let it sit there screaming. there are people in the vicinity being aurally violated. if they're a toddler or older and they're crying, either they've hurt themselves or they're just being pricks to make you pay attention to them which you should because as someone who was dumb enough to play host to this parasite who will leech off you until you die, you don't deserve a social life. go cater to your child's every whim and get out of this movie theater. oh and that was also really smart of you to bring a 4-year old to 'saw', guy. dad of the fucking year, for sure.
i'm pretty sure that's what pubescant elephants would sound like if they weren't built already knowing how to honk through their trunks. seriously, that shit is not music. it's audible assault, and this is coming from someone who's at least 1/3 irish. celtic &/or gaelic culture/history/language/all that crap? awesome. green hills and potatoes and soda bread and hot accents? sign me up. but bagpipes make me want to kill a leprechaun. so, dear bagpipers of the world: cease and desist or you will never find the pot of gold because i've killed your guide.
coming tomorrow or whenever, because i have work:
ten things not to do to people
ten reasons hamsters are fucking awesome
ten words you've never heard in your life
ten things to do when pmsing. ladies, this is obviously for you. or men who aren't very testosterony. which for some reason makes me think of rice-a-roni, probably b/c everyone and their sister has seen that friends episode. so now i kind of want rice-a-roni, or possibly bread with butter and apricot jam. uh, okay goodnight.