Friday, August 25, 2006

ten reasons hamsters completely own you

you may think, based purely on my vitriolic carping, that i'm an evil hatemonger and love absolutely nothing. normally this is pretty much true; my heart is icy and charred at the same time because, hey, physics doesn't apply to metaphors. but fear not- i actually have it in me to love things besides south park and wishing pain upon people. what's at the tip top of my list? hamsters. that's right. hamms. hammies. teddybears. balls of fluff. 'awwww!'s. try not to love them, and i guarantee you'll fail like you do at life. why do you fail at life? because hamsters have beaten everybody and everyone knows second place is the first loser. hence:

10 reasons hamsters are the greatest animals ever

1. they are impossibly cute.
obviously. i don't care what you say, your baby pictures cannot beat a fluffy tiny cute ball of glee that is a hamster. no. can't. shut up. hamsters > babies, especially yours. honestly, i dare you to find a cuter object of your and my and everyone's affection, and no, jeremy piven, chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and/or money do not count as much as i wish they did. so therefore, hams win hands down. i mean it. watch one fluff its hamster bedding (which comes in bags like cotton candy and even looks like it) and tell me it's not the cutestest most adorable thing you've ever seen in the world and oh my god i'm going to melt and be non-hateful anymore. clearly this madness must stop.

2. any exercise they get is hilarious.
of course this may bend or break depending on your version of hilarity, but tell me putting a fluffy thing in:

a) a plastic run-about ball ripe to run into someone's feet or the wall or the shower or the cat, b) a wheel that guarantees at least one over-zealous wheel spin-out at 3 am when the hamm can't run anymore but the wheel has other ideas and it totally sends him flying to the other side of his cage b/c yay gravity
c) hahahahahah a leash, becahse a harnessed hamster is so much more entertaining than a dog, d) a plastic car, because a hamster is possibly the only animal that can get away with said mode of transportation *and* the helmet and/or goggles to match, or
e) a mug. because honestly, what good is a pet if it can't fit into a mug full of strawberry ice cream? exactly. not much good at all.

doesn't lift your spirits at least a little. if not, there's always vodka and vicodin, and if you must resort to these, obvi hammies aren't for you b/c their charm is really quite inpenetrable. they are like the damn fort knox of adorable.

3. cheek pouches.
seriously, there's nothing more amusing than a very determined hammy trying to shove a 3-inch piece of cellery and/or chew toy into his cheek pouch. a cheek pouch, you ask? well of course. it's what a lot of herbivores (cowwwws) and other easily preyed upon animals (seriously, you do not want to be on an owl's dinner menu) use to graze with and then eat properly later. hamsters will shove anything and every thing (ie strawberries, celery, chew sticks, wood, chicken, your grandmother's fingers) into their pouches and run away to their secret hideaways (usually a foot away from said feeding ground, b/c they're cute but kind of stupid) and then later feast upon the delicious (?) remains. at any rate, it's really kind of eight sorts of hilarious to see a hamster shove a whole piece of steak into his cheek. and see his head get wider than his arse, and then just you watch it trying to fit through its hamster cage tubes. it's like the keg stand of the rodent world, and there are no sorority girls to get in the way. mmm. steak.

4. they are low maintenance.
honestly, could you ask for an easier pet? you make sure to clean out its age once a week (every two weeks if you're lazy like me) and give it fresh food and water once daily. other than that, it's a ripe comedy factory happening courtesy of a lovely fuzzball who has taken up residence atop your bookshelf. rarely are there vitamins, declawings, vet visits or fur washings. okay you can indulge in pet shampoo for your hammy (mine smelled like cucumbers and watermelon, shut up, i was not copying bath and body works) but for the most part, you can let it run wild and it will entertain you no matter what. oh that's right peta. i'm waiting for you to attack. why? because so often you attack people with pies. mmmm. pies. humans and hamsters both love pies. so obviously, a win all around.

5. they stay up all night with you.
got a calculous exam to study for? no problem, binkles mcblue is there. crying over breaking up with umpteenth boyfriend who didn't meet your expectations? have no fear, strawberry buttercup is here for you. insomnia? don't worry, mr bigglesworth is running around on his wheel just like you're running the emotional gamut. yay, nocturnal creatures! if nothing it's nice to know they might guard you in case of a nighttime intruder. and by guard, i mean might question why the guy with the big knife is destroying the Bringer of Food, Squeak Hop Snooze. and for the record, i have no idea why the hamster is singing jessica simpson, but go with it. it's a hamster. don't ever question it.

6. they eat anything you give them.
no, really. aside from hammy chow, mine ate smoked salmon, pâté, ice cream, reese's cups and beef jerky. that ought to be a clue right there- hamsters are not picky and will willingly gorge on your dinner leftovers. of course, leaving them a few leavy greens is nice, but how cool is it to watch a rodent devour filget mignon while your mom is all 'zomg! i cooked that to be SPECIAL!!!!' yeah. it's awesome. also, they'll eat your fruit and veggies so you don't have to eat anything nutritious. yep. they're helpful like that.

7. they're even called
i don't think you can deny the beauty of a cute thing being called an even cuter thing. btw, the teddy bear hamm (also known as the long-haired syrian) OWNS YOU with it stare, its itty bitty pawclaws, and its ability to turn metal into pure gold. okay so the last bit i kind of ripped off from harry potter but that's the league hamsters are in. so bow. bow now. bow before the cutnessssss.

8. they make superb shoulder pets.
okay, fuck pirates. no not really, i mean i heart johnny depp in eyeliner and i've love nothing more than to spend my life hunting for treasure singing inappropriate songs while balancing a monkey one one arm and a bottle of rum in the other, but seriously? hamms beat parrots and monkeys in the shoulder pet department. they wreak less havoc, talk less, eat anything and don't fling poo or want a cracker, respectively. also? they're fluffy. after ten months at sea, anything fluffy is a plus, i'd imagine.

9. they are more socially acceptable than rats.
sad but true. rats have no place in the homes of wee common folk or any folk, for that matter, bc of a few bad seeds on the nyc subway. boooo. anyway, hamsters are rodents and belong to the same family as rats (or is it genus? i know i got a 4 on the ap bio exam but that was 6 ancient years ago) so i'll say family, and, yeah. anyway. they're as much a rodenty rodent as rats or mice or gerbils or anything else, and yet everyone loves them more. why? obvious: cheek pouches. duh. so just tell that rat to step up and lose the diseases if he wants to play. oh snap.

10. less easily freaked out than guinea pigs.
okay granted this doesn't take much. my guinea pig ran away from food, water, and a hamster 1/4 its size. in short, he was a weenie. but anyway, hamsters are tinier, cuter, and infinitely easier to care for than cavies (though damn, rocko was cute even if he was a diva) and thus i list your tenth reason for owning a hamm.

okay that was a retarded list and i'll have you know i mainly wanted to write it so i could include adorable pictures of hamms, and yes i'll admit a few of those are of my own hamster. which? oh that's a mystery for the ages my friends. but i told you don't hate all. most, yes. but not all. when the apocalypse comes, i choose to save hamsters and jelly beans. why jelly beans, you might ask- well, because you never know what those kooks at jelly belly are up to next. and i want to be the first to sample when they go all wonka and actually manage to create a whole meal in a jelly bean, b/c screw a whole meal in a piece of gum that just turns you into a blueberry. other than that, yeah, hamsters pretty much win.


Anonymous said...

Awwww this was the cutest list ever!!!

I wanted to post a picture of my hamster and my pig together, but my gallery is down :( and my laptop is still somewhere unknown within some confines of Apple.
Wait, I might have one on my external hard drive!
OOops, I can't find the one of them next to each other. But they are in the same shot here..

Seth said...

Oh, man, that was the best I've read all night! I have a hammy of my own, and no matter what she does, she's just adorable. Hammies are absolutely the best pet EVER!

Anonymous said...

I was laughing SO HARD when i read this. I have a teddy bear hamster who's almost a year old now. He's adorable!

Anonymous said...

You need to get punched.

Anonymous said...

this is funny and cute burt dont give this to your parents...learned that the hard way

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Not Dead Yet said...

May I use your hamster pic (eating corn) for my blog, please? I have a year to live, and your fabulous photo probably WON'T go viral. . .
I plan to post my next blog soon, hopefully with your photo included?