Saturday, August 12, 2006

i'll give you five for sucking, radio

so i was driving home from the grocery store after being solicited about 17 times by various employee folk asking if i was 'finding everything alright' (i'd find it sooner if you'd all shut the hell up and let me shop by myself thank you), and that goddamn '100 years to liiiiieeeieiieieve' song by five for fighting came on the radio. is that music? because, no. not at all. also, when did alanis morisette drip into something wrapped in gold with a bow and a card from hallmark's 'zomg cupie angels!! awww' line? her new happy songs bother me.

clearly, this drivel known as 'today's hit music' needs to be destroyed. as do solicitous employees of low-fi grocery chains. these plagues, seemingly minor, are on my shit list. oh that's right, i colberted the hell out of those things. and then i got to thinking- there must be a few more things i really hate enough to rant to the anonymous internet about. but at what increment? ten sounded good. nice and neat, a finite amount or capsule, if you will, of weary disgrace and loathing. yes. a list of ten. done.

oh, you were expecting the list now? no no, my children. this must be ruminated on. i must scour my bitchings of blogs past and unearth the truly ten most obnoxious things that exist on planet earth. revulsion wasn't built in a day.

and by popular (in my head) demand, upcoming Lists of Ten:

*ten best ways to spend a lazy afternoon
*ten stupidest things i've ever heard in my life
*ten most random lobbyist-supported days (ie 'national smores day')
*ten lamest things about the desert
*maybe ten things i'd like to see the president do before he's out of office (#1: stop making like a dyson with all the sucking at stuff you didn't even know it was possible to suck or was even there to be sucked in the first place).
*your ideas, because quite frankly i'm not the bottomless pit of wit and wisdom you all seem to think i am

so, yes. these ponderings and lampoons will happen. as soon as the mt dew kicks in and i tire of the hos in the grotto. what? i call my garden the grotto, and i'm simply going out to do some weeding.

i know, i'm a bad liar.

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