Wednesday, August 23, 2006

ten four-letter f-words that don't end up as fuck

so i was having dinner with my parents (yeah what, free meals and no rent, shut up) and the subject of 'fuck' came up. i have the worst mouth of anybody in my family but as the angelic-eyed girlthing i keep it wrapped up in a pretty bow of femininity which i don't really understand b/c i love to blow up shit and watch baseball and say girls are hot and okay whatever. anyway, dad suggested i do this list:

10 four-letter words that start with f and end in k that don't actually result in 'fuck', which might be useful when you want to scream an obscenity but someone's kid or grandmother or impressionable kitten is in the general vicinity and for the love of god keep in mind i'm pulling half of this shit from from and webster doesn't exactly think it's legit but IT IS and some of this crap is actually kind of interesting or at least unintentionally funny:

(oh and ps, if it's in italics i stole it from some type of dictionary, and if it's not in slanteriffic italics, it means i'm talking to you again, you firks)

1. fork
A fork is a tool consisting of a handle with several narrow tines (usually two to four) on one end. Forks are used mainly in cooking and eating, to move or hold objects (typically, pieces of food) in place. The fork is often referred to as the "king of utensils." (Similar names, such as "queen of utensils" for the spoon, have not been as widely adopted.)

also of note: notice how the forking spork was not known even as 'the prince of utensils.' if anything, it is the wench or the dungeonkeeper of utensils. the end.

2. folk
* short for folk music,
* or, for folksong,
* or, for folklore,
* or, for folk dance;
* it may be a word for a specific people, tribe, or nation, especially one of the Germanic peoples;
* it might even be a calque on the related German word Volk.

fun activity: say to a group of people, 'heyyyyy folks!' and see how many of them look at you like you're a douchebag. alternatively, if you bang your hand with a hammer, instead of fuck yell 'FOOOOLLLLKKKKK' and see if old-school jewel pops out and says 'you rang?' and i'm talking about pieces of you, 'who will saaeeaaeeeaaaave your sowulllll' and no i don't mean now jewel. god, 0304? what was that? i fear spending money on her new album if it's going to be the same heaping pile of intestinal garbage. folk you, jewel.

3. fark is a community website allowing users to comment on a daily batch of news articles and other items from various websites. Most links are submitted by Fark readers, which are then approved for posting on the main page by admins. Fark is one of the most widely read community sites of its type on the internet.

fark lands pretty high on the satisfying-though-it's-not-fuck word list, but i still prefer what would tyler durden do? and the onion.

4. filk
Filk is a form of music created from within Science Fiction & Fantasy fandom, and often performed late at night at science fiction conventions, though there are now dedicated Filk Conventions in Canada, England, Germany, and the USA. It is also popular in some circles of the Society for Creative Anachronism. The
term was adopted for the songs and musical parodies enjoyed by members of 'fandoms' such as Star Trek or Harry Potter. Practitioners are known as filkers.

...and i'm not ashamed to admit i rocked the valentine's podcast for the harry potter fandom (pottercast, what) with my filk of 'oops i'm crying again' as performed by a supposed cho chang. oh that's right. i went there. and by there i mean the land of total geekdom but I DON'T CARE SHUT UP.

5. flak
* Anti-aircraft gunfire, derived from the German Fliegerabwehrkanone, for "aircraft defense cannon", during World War II. See also 88 mm gun.
* criticism, as a metaphorical extension of the previous, e.g. "I'll have to take the flak for what that confounded reporter dug up."
* As a component of German and Scandinavian area place names, flak and similar may mean "flat", "plain": e.g. Flakfortet, Maasvlakte.

so you could totally give some flakian jackass flak about his malfunctioning flak, much like you could fuck with some fucking fucker about his fucked fuck. i know this can't be entirely lost on you people.

6. funk
1. Funk is a distinct style of music originated by African-Americans, e.g., James Brown, etc. Funk best can be recognized by its syncopated rhythms; thick bass line (often based on an "on the one" beat); razor-sharp rhythm guitars; chanted or hollered vocals (as that of Marva Whitney or the Bar-Kays); strong, rhythm-oriented horn sections; prominent percussion; an upbeat attitude; African tones; danceability; and strong jazz influences (e.g., as in the music of Miles Davis, Herbie Hancock, George Duke, Eddie Harris, and others).

2. A state of depression; British: a state of panic or great fear.

also totally oldschool british for 'coward', and also means a nasty musty gross smell like maybe the trunk of someone's car that they haven't cleaned since they took all the trash to the dump that one time. classy. also, somewhere in the world exists a podiatrist named dr funk. i'm not lying. i typed up a claim for him at one of my previous jobs as a soul-sucked data entrant. hot times, my friends. hot times.

7. fink
1. An unpleasant or contemptible person.

2. Fink is widely recommended as the simplest way for users to install and maintain their favorite unix programs on Mac OS X.

3. The name "Fink" is German for finch bird, and is related to the Darwin operating system (that lies at the core of Mac OS X), through Charles Darwin's study of diversity among finches.

also, apparently fink is a band that gave a free download on itunes a few weeks ago. unfortunately it's quite tepid and boring and it's definitely no funk or folk, my friends. booyah, gimme a tap on th drums for that one, oh god i hate myself. anyway, finches are awesome.

8. firk
v. t.1.To beat; to strike; to chastise.
I'll fer him, and firk him, and ferret him.
- Shak.
v. i.1.To fly out; to turn out; to go off.
A wench is a rare bait, with which a man
No sooner's taken but he straight firks mad.B.Jonson.
n.1.A freak; trick; quirk.

this is quite possibly my favorite new f-word. with one word i can hit, make fun of, yell at, or go off of a freaky quirky trick. english language, my god you are genius, you firking firker. which i'm not gonna lie, based on phonetics alone totally made me miss frankenfurter back in tysons mall. mmm. hot dogs. what firks.

9. fisk
1. verb, to critique an essay or argument in extreme detail, named after Robert Fisk.
2. noun, fish (in Swedish or other scandinavian languages)
3. Roman: public treasury or emperor's privy purse
American railroad financier and speculator who attempted in 1869 to corner the gold market with Jay Gould, leading to Black Friday, a day of nationwide financial panic.

holy crap. so basically fisk means 1) to be an utter jackass prickalicious douche, 2) to breathe underwater and then served blackened with pasta, 3) to be some king's petty cash, or 4) to totally fuck up a nation's finances. move over firk, fisk just took your place.

10. frak!
Frak! is a platform game in which the player controls a caveman named Trogg. Trogg's object is to find three keys located on each level. When Trogg steps off a platform or ladder, he does not fall straight down, but instead slides diagonally downwards. Long falls will kill Trogg.

Enemies in Frak! come in three forms: statues of various monsters, balloons and daggers, and contact with any enemy will kill Trogg. To combat the enemies, Trogg is armed with a yo-yo that he can launch straight horizontally. The yo-yo will kill any enemy it comes into contact with.

Frak! encodes high scores as nonsensical secret messages, such as Hairy gonks kiss green Buddhas slowly. These could presumably be sent to the game's publisher as proof of reaching a high score.

hahahaha wtf is a gonk and why is buddha green? i have nothing to add to this explosion of digital crackitude save to say it's obviously genius and why have i never heard of it? faaaark.

and by now you should be well-versed in antifucks. i don't expect you to use them because nothing quite satisfies like a good eff ewe see cay, but if the gi joes taught me anything on saturday mornings, it's that knowing is half the battle. and also that shooting people usually solves problems.

up next: ten reasons hamsters own you.


Anonymous said...

I'm going to start screaming "FISK!!!" in place of swears.

Anonymous said...

Green Buddha? C'mon, I haven't smoked in - EVER (hi, nsa!) - but everyone knows that buddha is code for weeeeeed.
Still, I want to play this game.