Monday, August 14, 2006

ten things i love about entourage

okay so i lied. i said the next list would be grammatical errors and/or insults, but, to hell with it and back i say. i just finished watching the latest episode of hbo's 'hollywood insider'-ish offering lovingly (or despisedly) known as entourage. and thus beget tonight's list,

10 things i love about hbo's

1. kevin dillon as drama.
egads, brilliant, this guy. it's been a long day since his ranks amongst the Platoon, but you know dillon thinks he's hot shit as he struts around in ugly manboob-clinging shirts and apes in a kitchen baking tofu for vince and co. and you know what? he totally is. honestly, he's the reason i tune into this thing. if only to hear the words 'viking quest' uttered in complete earnest every week.

sample of greatness:
turtle: (looking at the pacific ocean) what direction is that?
johnny drama: it's east, idiot.
eric: it's west, idiot.
johnny drama: (long pause) well, i mean, in new york it's east.

2. turtle.
and this isn't because the turtle is one of my inexplicably favorite animals. it's just because he's so delightfully unneccessary for vince and hence is the ched
dar cheese of the show. he's not the meat of the outfit, but a delish dish just doesn't taste the same without the garnish and extra calories. wow that was a bad metaphor, but turtle's a bad charicature- or rather, he *could* be bad and should be, and instead he's all goofy and endearing. even if he is a yankees fan. so basically we all win.

slice of greatness:

*reading a review of vince's newest movie*
"fuckin prick called you a thespian!"

3. vince's pritty pritty eyes.

what, like i h
ave to explain that?

4. the cars.

so i'm a whore for expensive
automobiles, is that a sin? oh, for real? damn. well, see you in hell then. i'll bring the sunblock, you bring the skewers for s'mores.

5. ari effin' gold.

holy s
hit. never has a more foul-mouthed suit so bracingly captured my heart, but, there it is. yes he, the maven of 'cunt-muscle' and thousands of acidic 'FUCK!'s, is the #2 reason i tune in after johnny drama. i know i should have put him in the #2 slot but i'm lazy. anyway, ari the power agent, with his lloyd-bashing, hen-pecked husbandry (i know husbandry actually refers to farming and raising of animals but deal, blog readers, this is the internet and not the almanac) and penchant for beating things to a pulp leads me to the conclusion that i love this man. as in have his illegitemate babies even though his wife would shank me kind of love. i know, right? lame. but so addictive. try not to be persuaded by the power that is ari. like the gaysian lloyd, you'll be hard-pressed not to make out.

representative sample of the greatn
"You know what other class I took at Harvard? Business Ethics. I don't steal other people's motherfucking clients! But in your case I'm going to make an exception! I'm going to take everyone, your B-level sitcom stars, your reality tv writers, when I'm done with you you're gonna be repping sideshow freaks! You need Jo Jo the dogface bitchboy, call Josh Weinfuck, the lightweight pen stealing fuckface!"

6. debi mazar.
blink and you'll miss her ever-shrinking role, but as pretty much the only power-playing female of the entire show, shawna (vince's publicist and 'west coast mom') is a vision in hard-blocked accent, comely white suits and langauge even more foul than mine. it's like i had a lovechild with a sailor, let it grow up in the backalleys of queens and then sent it to publicist finishing school for the hardassed. it even has lovely hair and a pretty set of nails to boot.

why i love her:
: you should get me on a talk show. i'd kill.
: maybe i'll get you on springer. fat, little horny fucks and the women that despise them.
drama: *snickers*
: what are you laughing at? maybe i'll get you on montel with don swayze, joey travolta and the other retarded star siblings.

7. mandy moore is a two-timing cantankerous bitch.

personally, i always knew this was true. she slinks by on that 'awww i'm so adorable look at meeee *squeakcleansqueak*' image and yet only manages to create crap movie after crap movie, an
d excuse me while i barf them up and clean it with a mop made of her hair- her perfect hair that 13-year old girls think is made of golden kitten whiskers or something equally as stupid that only 13-year old girls would think it, like the fact that mandy moore is not actually a raving bitch underneath that cupie fa├žade. to wit, thank you hbo, for creating the mandy-breaks-vince's-heart-and-puts-it-in-a-blender-stompity-stompity! storyline. she denied his marriage proposal. bitchface. years later she breaks up with her fiance to go out with vince again? BIIIITCH. after a week, she starts going back to the fiance behind vince's back. deliciously evil. and then she breaks poor vince's ass, goes back to the fiance (whom she was marrying in like a week) and still has to work with him for months on a movie set. HAHA. wow, way to be a douchebag mandy. two stars for you. and three for the hbo writing team.


(after mandy dumps him) "...i feel like i got shot!"

8. all the cameos.
the fact that in the pilot episode we get a livid ali larter storming through (and we are never told why, nor do we ever see her again) should be t
he tip-off- random celebrities from a-list to f-list are going to wander around the show for no apparent reason, and it will be amusing. there's bob saget at the whore house, garey busey and his ugly statue on vince's lawn, larry david haggling with ari, seth green telling eric he banged his girlfriend, and u2 telling johnny drama to have a happy birthday. i'd think of more, but frankly, i'm lazy and feel like breaking out my entourage dvd's. oh wait, i don't have those. damn being poor. vince, give me some cash.

classic line:
(at a madam's house)
johnny drama: turtle, if you can't get laid here, turn your dick in.
*5 minutes later*
...did you just get cock-blocked by bob saget?

9. LLOYD!!

oh come on. try not to love the cute little gay asian assistant man. the fact that ari makes threats to pay him in yen, that he tries to come into work dressed as andre 3000 from outkast, he of the undying loyalty to ari who tries to throw computers out the window- it's just lovely. also? he got johnny drama his next pilot, something ari couldn't even manage. way to go lloyd.

see, really, this is why he's great:
ari: 'if this isn't taken care of by the time i get back to the office, i will choke you out with a strap-on!'
*hangs up phone* '...pottymouth.'

10. my dad doesn't get it.
because if he did, i'd be really scared.

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