Thursday, September 21, 2006

ten things i want right goddamn now

so, i was at work earlier and under the glare of hallogen lights and the stupor of dehydration which seriously can be as bad as the stupor of whatever else creates stupor, which i guess is alcohol or something, and, wait, this run-on has gone on too long and i forgot my original point but anywaysorz, yeah. i was pulling an anti-theft tag off a really unfortunate sweater (who buys sweaters in arizona for cripe's sake?) when i thought, damn. you know what i want? a freakin whopper junior (b/c as big a girl as i am, ain't no way i can ever finish a whopper. never have. nor have i ever finished a dq blizzard or a mcd's flurry. true fastfood junk story.) and possibly some curly fries. but being as the manager on duty was doing reports and rearranging panties (god i hate that word, it's so perverted) and i was running the sales floor, i didn't get the chance to make a run to the BK lounge. but i still want that goddamn burger. in honor of that love lost, here are

10 things i really, totally, 110% want and by want i mean need but i guess i could go another few days without them but jeez, why are you so mean to me cruel world

1. my own tivo.
seriously. okay funny story, my mother loathes, abhors, detests, hates, etc 99.99999% of what's on tv. but she loves everything on hgtv and *gag* has this habit of tivo-ing tonight's leno to watch tomorrow, because even though it airs at 10:30 in the desert, it's still too late to keep up with. uh? anyway, dammit. so i watch studio 60, heroes (well i will when it begins this monday b/c hey, xmen-ish = okay by me), conan, and baseball games for one of my teams when they so choose to appear on my barren desert programming. is that a crime? in the Court of Mother, apparently it is, because she feels compelled to tape a rerun of hgtv 'designed to sell' that she's seen four times that conflicts with a premeire of one of my effing shows, and she says she's tempted to delete my recording (while i'm at work and she's decidedly not) and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GODDAMMIT. i want my own tivo. and i'm aware i'm totally shallow and a slave to the digital/visual medium. ess tee eff ewe. but seriously, there's so much promising comedy/drama/dramedy/whateveredy this season that there's no room for clive and his crew of home remodelers. what? so i watch hgtv, shut up. i still feel, that being 26 years younger than said remote maiden, i deserve control of the technological device. and so far, studio 60 owns you. shut up. again.

2. a calzone.
this is really a random and new craving, but i'm really rather enamoured of the thought of dough wrapped around ricotta and mozzerella with marinara and oregano, pumped up to whatever degree it takes to blister a tongue after breaking open and gobbling said calorific delicacy. mmmm. cheese.

3. to not have to work every day from friday through next sunday during dual sales.
apparently my manager is hitting the pipe, because he's decided i'm capable of handling a string of friday-saturday-sunday-monday-tuesday-wednesday-thursday-friday-saturday shifts while we're doing some big sales to move all the merch out of the store, and holy crikey, i'm going to throw up my employee white flag here and beg for mercy. or at least a more than 40% discount on that completely adorable magenta bustier which i probably most definitely have no reason for wearing unless i pair it with some jeans, boots, and a few artfully placed barettes and camis. yay, illogical clothing decisions.

4. to be 100 pounds lighter
not only would it make #3 easier (on my feet and probably my confidence and budget) but, really, i'd love to have more than a few stores to shop at for cute clothes in my effing size. shut up, genetics. for every woman in my extended family you've given this heft to, you've at least been compliant with boob sizes. way to ride the short bus with mine. *kicks history in the nuts* ...*and bra manufacturers, for good measure* *no pun intended. i swear. ttly srsly.*

5. i guess saying sheppard's pie is totally not going to help #4
to continue the theme of what i want is totally not helping something else or whatever i forget so shut up i run this blog and you decidedly do not, i want some sheppard's pie. i'm talking the golden glop from my daycare days, a layer of crumbly beef and carrots and onions smothered in mashed potatoes and cheese and oh lord why am i so hungry? oh, right. it's because my diet as of late has consisted of two sandwiches and one diet soda a day and at least 5 hours of scuttling stock-checking retail (at least) and yet i never lose any weight. I HATE YOU UNIVERSE. anyway, maybe i'm just longing for childhood, but it's more probable i'm just lusting after mashed potatoes. 50% irish here, after all. mmm. rooty veggies mashed to a pulp and mixed with cow. who can deny that tastebud trip?

6. some comfortable shoes
here's a relatively sad/stupid/retarded/pointless story- i spent about $75 on crocs, which were not the miracle shoes my feet needed. nay, my friends, the anti-sweat anti-pain shoes made my feet squeak, sweat, and hurt after one day. so i tried some easy spirit dandies in hope of reaching sole and/or arch supported bliss, combined with dr scholl's insoles, and my tootsies (did i just say tootsies? shoot me and/or tire-iron me) hurt after a couple hours with those bastards. the most comfortable thing i've come across? my $3.50 old navy flip flops. go fig. but hell, a size 26 girl working for 8 hours under hallogen running back slacks and button downs is bound to have uncomfy feet and holy hell, would it kill you damn manufacturers to make a shoe for the bigger? we aren't exactly a minority anymore. hell, it ought to be a law, for every 'we serve man-size portions!' applebees/golden corral/burger king/olive garden/whever commercial that there must spring anew a bigger size clothing or larger heft shoe company. i'm not a product of junk but of genetics, but i'm a big girl none the less and we need a damn shoe that fits and supports our fragile arches. slaughter penguins for research if you must, i don't care. just don't tell me about it. and for the record, penguins are hilarious b/c they totally can't fly. hahahaha, suckers. oh wait, i can't fly either. and like the penguin, i am destined to live a life in black and white, coated with blubber. oh joy. and by the way, why is it that as our portions get bigger, women are supposed to be smaller? hey, jackass, we like a burger and fries too. shut up. i'm in no fit mood to argue you on this point save for the fact that no, at least my my ilk are not going to sit idly by. oh no. we're going to buy into your damn burgers and then expect something that fit us. can't have it both ways, puritanicalstripclubgiganticburgertinywaitress america! oh no, indeed. hoy! okay yeah i'm rambling. what. it's 3 in the morning. give me some slack. and a hash brown with coffee.

7. a dozen more IQ points and/or probably another point on my gpa
...i just want to go to grad school so i can do my pedigree, phd-weilding parents, and non-IQ intelligence justice. dammit. linguistics is where it's at. as it stands, a 2.5 isn't exactly that impressive. i have reasons for why it dipped that low, but really, why is a review board going to be that interested if i'm not elle woods? face it, she stole all the ideas and ran with them. we're left with nothing, my friends. an un-pink un-fashionable NOTHING.

8. an 80-gig ipod
oh, no. believe me. i have no logical reason to want to watch movies/tv/whichever on an ipod screen. but, um, i'm so, so, so, soooooooooooooo (x10^infinity) tempted to blow my past month's retail wages on one so i can watch pirates of the caribbean or the office while lounging in bed. i suck. but apple sucks more for rendering my 20 gig non-video black-and-white ipod obsolete even though it's less than two years old. DAMMIT APPLE, STOP EVOLVING, YOU COCKSUCKERS.

9. my own apartment.
again, this is sort of self-explanitory. but i don't even care if i'm sharing with a roommate (actually i'd prefer it-i want someone to bounce dialogue off of and i'm pretty sure i couldn't afford rent for a single person) and, wait, what? yeah, anyway, i need to get the hell out of here. sure, if you're 24 and above and are in grad/law/business/whatever school and/or you have some sort of well-meaning but not well-paying job it's cool to live with your rents/bro/sis/aunt/whoever so long as you can foot the rent but if you're not and can't, the world has nothing to do with you. which sucks. cause i'm totally a case of awesome waiting to be tapped. also, i desire nothing more than to live fetters-free in dc or boston or nyc or ANYWHERE OTHER THAN ARIZONA GODFUCKINGDAMMIT. the end. i think.

10. a hug.
what? bitchy ranters need hugs too. oprah says so. we all need five a day. so cough up the arm wrappage, bitch.

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