holy crap, i'm not dead!!! no no, my friends, just working as your local friendly neighborhood prettyful clothes pusher, who then asks you to save 15% by opening a charge account so i can meet my quota, make my boss happy, make his boss happy, and tra la la yeah i know. how the mighty fall. which really has nothing to do with me, as, was never mighty. anyway, i know i've been gone awhile and all three of you have felt such a lack of snarky and/or ten-ish lists in your life. (haha, ten-ish sounds like tennis with a lisp. yeah i know. i'm slipping. shut up.) anyhoooooo, i've been held hostage by work, netflix dvd's, piles of laundry at my own expense, and a slew of random gems (or not-so-gemtastic things) that i've been mulling over for the past few weeks. thus i bring to you this collection:
ten things i feel compelled to comment on at the moment, because seriously, i took a decongestant and i'm going to be up til at least 4 and i'm in no fit state to read so i may as well write, aren't you glad, internet? no? well, shut up then.
1. the scorpion lollipop
this is no joke, folks. and quite honestly, only in effing arizona could you buy this tripe. a lollipop/sucker/tasty delight containing a FUCKING GODDAMN SCORPION in the middle. tootsie rolls and/or charms gum > frigging poisonous bugs with STINGERS. who is selling these tastebud gadgets? i spend my time smashing them off the wall with the joy of cooking (any girl's standard 'throw it at the bug and run away' volume) and/or scooping it up via tupperware and cardboard and plunging it to a watery grave in my toilets' underearth plumbing, and here's this jackass stuffing them into green goo and selling them for over $3 a pop. what the fuck? yes. what the fuck indeed. if i'd known they were selling these bastards in suckerish form, i could have made an easy hundred or two last summer peeling the bastards off my wall and carpet. welcome to the desert. kind of like that jungle song, you're gonna dieeeeee. in any event, this is dumb and disturbing at the same time. and i bet the green part doesn't even taste good. what a bastard.
2. so britney spawned her second baby
...and apparently named it sutton pierce. pierce is okay (it gets my mom's vote b/c she loves pierce brosnan (who shares my birthday, and check it out, i've got parentheses within parentheses! so avant garde...or lazy. whichever.) and um, yeah, i guess i could close the other parenthes...what the fuck is the singular form of parentheses?) and what the fuck is sutton? some sort of ivy league prepsteriffic title? well...it's better than jailynn or cletus. so, okay. fine. but way to give your kid the same initials as the first kid and only two days before his birthday. but overall, i have to give brit some snaps (or props, or whatever it is white people are allowed to say that doesn't make them look like total asses, i'll stick with just half an ass for now) for not going the pilot inspector or audio science or moxy crimefighter or bluebell madonna route. yeah. i know. i know far too much about frivolous crap. sue me. someday US weekly will want me.
...why do we have middle names anyway? i mean, aside from credit applications or any other legal document type thingey, do we even have reason? waste of ink and paper and breath! boooo! okay yeah. it's official, i pick the stupidest things to rage against.
3. i have deleted this one
...mostly because it's not true anymore, and also because i'm a shrew and if hobag in question figured out i spaketh a harsh word against her, she'd probably punch me in the jaw, and i'm a fan of my face. but at any rate, relive the glory that was this mini-rant with the basic kernel of an idea it once contained:
i swear to jesus on his pogo stick i will cut you. SHUT UP I HATE YOU AND I HOPE YOU DIE YOU WHORELING CUM DUMPSTER DIPSHIT DOUCHERAG.
4. the farting preacher
click and pbbbbfffttt along
...i really don't have much to comment on about on this other than the fact that i haven't laughed this hard since i was little and thought madballs and transformers were the epitome of badassery.
5. 9/11 five years later
...is there a reason we have to have a media circus around this? we saw 3,000 people die. live. in front of us. remembering in a day of silence is enough. shut up, made-for-tv movies.
6. there is a cactus in my foot
okay so it's a tiny piece of cactus burr, but honestly, fuck this goddamn desert. you have a splinter? whatever. come talk to the enflamed and hurty ball of my right foot and i'll kick you with it and win. even pins and tweezers and iodine can't win on this one. again, fucking desert.
7. midterm elections
uhh, stuff happened, political in nature, things, etc, the end. yeah. actually i really shamefully admit i have no idea what happened. i'm like an ostritch with its political head in the sand, but replace sand with tablids and head with, uh, okay fine. head is the same appendage in this comparison. i lose. but i'll blame it on my local paper and its complete and utter lack of talent in the editorial/writing/anything department. they could have told me who was scheduled to go to space, take over the planet, or give me ten million dollars, and i wouldn't understand it because it's so riddled in typos and allusions to random 70's tv shows. oh god get me out of here.
8. there's a lack of helium
apparently helium manufacturers are all 'ummmm, we might not have enough lighter-than-air product for your macy's thanksgiving parade or little timmy's birthday party balloons.' i have a question- why is this a problem? helium is on the periodic table of the elements, yes? which means it exists quite naturally, yes? then why the hell is there a shortage? quit snorting it and fill up snoopy, you douchebags.
9. billy bush is an ass.
i have to admit that my #9 spot was originally going to play host to ragweed allergies and/or something else i forgot i deleted, but now that access hollywood is on and i have to listen to billy bush blather, i remember how annoying it was to wake up to him as one half of the morning show on z104 back in the day in dc. gone are the days of 97 and 98 radio, but goddamn gone are not the days of that grating voice and stupid questions. thank god for jeremy piven at the emmy's,though, with the verbal celebrity baby smackdown. and yes, i know my colmun (in my dreams)/blog/rant/list/thingcrapblobetc has demoted itself to celeb gossip countless times, but oh my god, can we kill the billy bush already? or at least give him a severe case of laryngitis or alzheimers or something else? seriously? anybody, give me a disease here. i'm reaching. plus, he's a cousin of dubya. that's reason enough to get him deleted. and if you don't agree with me, congratulations, you get a complimentary kick to the genitals.
10. apparently there's a walmart anti-smear campaign
...and my desert locale is a 'test market' for said campaign, where walmart plans to unleash its 'omg we don't deny anybody health insurance' and 'we're angelic social wonderfulnessmongers!!!' ads. ummm, yeah. does not compute. you're fucking walmart, and kind of like an oracle and 4th hobag, you're fine to visit at 3 am but you can't build a secure lifestyle around it. and i admit that was a really weak metaphore but fuck it, i'm tired and my teeth hurt from sinuses, allergies, and whatever else awaits me in the great wild blue wonderful that isn't so wonderful, IS IT?!
up next, ten shows i plan on watching again and/or giving a chance on my fall tv weigh-in. because i count as much as alynda wheat (my EW hero) or, uh, anybody else. oh god. i'm useless. *watches repeats of leno to hope she's at least more decent and less chinny than that* okay. goodnight. or goodmorning. good part-of-day. the end.